If You Love 'Em, Tell 'Em

Published May 20, 1982.  Last week was a busy week. On Thursday, Friday and Saturday we completed the first Family Life Conference at Brigham Young University. I can’t remember when I ever enjoyed interacting with a group more than I did then. My presentation was a three-part series on “Making a Good Marriage Better.”

During the same three days, the LDS Church conducted three consecutive meetings on the theme “If You Love ‘Em, Tell ‘Em.” One was held on Temple Square and the other two at Brighton High School in south Salt Lake.

At their meetings, the church showed the best of their television Home Front series, which centers on the importance of telling family members you love them. Between the media presentations there were various speakers and musical numbers.

And the church still expects modern miracles. They invited me, a university professor, to conduct a seven-minute seminar on marriage. I knew the church was trying to consolidate things, but seven minutes seemed questionable. It usually takes me three minutes just to say, “I’m glad to be here.”

It was my assignment during the seven minutes to try and convince husbands and wives that they ought to verbally convey their love more often. And you know what? I realized more than ever how difficult that is for some people to do.

I decided to zero in on the men during these seven-minute seminars. Why pick on the husbands? We recently conducted an exhaustive study at BYU and found an interesting statistic. During 1981, 50% of those involved in marriages were men. (That’s where your tithing money goes, folks.) And since men make up such a large part of the married population, I decided to say something to them.

But there was another reason I chose to speak to the husbands. I honestly believe we are the ones who have the most difficult time saying, “I love you” in marriage.

During the three-day marathon between Provo and Salt Lake City I shared this thought with the Provo people. Afterward one young man explained why he thought it is difficult for husbands to do. He said he believes that saying “I love you” forms an emotional attachment which in turn may lead to dependency. When this happens, he said many husbands become uncomfortable with the loss of independence. If a man does not tell his wife he loves her too often or at all he is able to maintain some degree of emotional distance and thereby retain some of the independence he had when single. Saying “I love you” implies commitment, he said, which is turn requires effort. Not saying it avoids both. Interesting thoughts.

Other husbands don’t say “I love you” to their wives because they often feel they bungle the job when they try. I explained to a group of husbands once that there are magic words in marriage we ought to use and say more often. These words are “Please forgive me,” “I love you,” and “I’m sorry.” One husband called me up the next night and said the magic words didn’t work. I asked why and he said he went right home, repeated them to his wife, and she became very annoyed.

“Exactly what did you say?” I asked. He stated he walked up to his wife, took a deep breath and blurted out “I’m sorry I love you, please forgive me.” I told him he had the content but his timing was off.

How are you and your marriage partner doing in the verbal expression of love? Do you say it often? Do you say it enough? Talk it over, and you may be surprised with what you find out.

I sincerely believe the vast majority of husbands genuinely love their wives. And I also believe “If you love ‘em, tell ‘em.”

Most wives do not require a great deal of love to be satisfied in marriage. Rather than quantity, they just need a constant supply.