If You Think ‘Divorce’ You May Make It Happen

Published June 25, 1987. During the past few years I have noticed an interesting trend having to do with divorce: how frequently a couple talks about divorce often determines whether or not it occurs.

Often a married couple may experience something upsetting and disturbing. They try and work it out, but their efforts seem in vain. The problem continues, and the tension mounts. What should they do?

One common move is for either or both to mention divorce. At first it is not taken seriously; it is just a thought. And talking about divorce at this point is even understandable because it is so common. We constantly hear about divorce in the media. Perhaps we have had close friends or family members terminate their marriage, and as our own marriage takes a down-swing as we ride the roller coaster of life, the seemingly logical thing to do is consider divorce.

For some couples divorce may be the appropriate solution. It took me some time as a marriage counselor to realize that it is best for some individuals not be married to each other. Unwise decisions can be made in choosing a spouse, or people can change and become unbearable to live with after they’re married.

But I believe many couples divorce unnecessarily. They hit a snag or rough spot in life and decide to end their marriage. Sometimes the decision eases into their lives. It is not so much what some couples want to do, they just can’t think of any other alternatives.

I have found we often gravitate towards our dominant thought patterns. That’s the modern way of saying what was noted centuries ago: “For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he.” (Proverbs 23:7) Radio commentator Earl Nightingale has become well-known and wealthy for effectively teaching six simple words: “We become what we think about.”

If these observations are accurate, and I suggest they are, then they have implications for those in troubled marriages. If we become what we think about, then the more often we think and talk about divorce, the more likely it will occur. If we let our minds wander during marital difficulty and frequently talk about separation, then it becomes more of a reality for us.

Talk about divorce can begin seemingly so innocently. It is not seriously considered at first. But repeated thoughts often determine our behavior. Thus in a moment of anger, a husband or wife might threaten divorce as a means to get back at a spouse, saying something not really meant. But the threat is taken seriously and the partner counters with his or her own threat of divorce, and soon they are off – off to the lawyer’s office because of something said in a moment of anger.

Once again we witness a truth in life. We bend towards our dominant thought patterns.