Lack of Communication Leads to Trouble

Published May 13, 1982. Not long ago I received the following, which might be titled “An Open Letter to Husbands.” The letter is typical of many I receive.

Dear Dr. Barlow:

The problems in my marriage are two-fold. First, trying to communicate my needs with my husband (I recently read your book “What Wives Expect of Husbands” and agree with your chapter on communication).

When I express my need to share my feelings or request his time to talk to me, he usually reacts as though I am intentionally adding to his burdens. He has an occupation where there is lots of stress. Whenever I request his help with most anything, he regards it as an attack on his time and an attempt to add needless pressure on him. Although I have tried to repress my needs and desires, our marriage is becoming extremely strained, and I constantly worry about how long I can last.

The second problem relates to the first. Even though there is trouble in our marriage, I still want to try to be a support and a comfort to my husband. I have felt the extremes of resentment, anger, and almost hatred towards him, even though I do love him. Our marriage seems so stagnant and almost hopeless. How can I change it? How can I let him know that I care? He assumes that our marriage is OK and everything will automatically work out. The fact is, it is not working out and I am terrified.

(Signature)

ANSWER: Whenever I receive such mail, I have a genuine desire to assist. But I also feel the frustration of dealing with a rather complex situation with just a few words.

It is obvious that you deeply care about your husband and your marriage. But it is also quite clear that you both need to do something about your relationship right away. You stated you have begun to feel the extremes of resentment, anger, and almost hatred. This concerns me.

You also indicated that the relationship is stagnant and now seems hopeless. Without hope of any kind, it becomes difficult to change things. Hope is the ability to foresee better times beyond the immediate situation.

My first suggestion is that you communicate very clearly to your husband your concerns about you marriage. And the timing is just as important as what you say.

Plan some time to get away from the daily rat race. It appears that in your life, as in so much of contemporary living, the rats are winning. Take some time out to go away somewhere, so the two of you will have an environment where you can share some important thoughts and feelings.

You may have verbalized your concerns to your husband in the past, but I question whether or not you have communicated them to him. There is a difference. When you are not tired, fatigued, or under stress, tell him in a loving way how you feel.

Next, indicate what changes you think are needed in your marriage, and state what you are willing to do to improve your relationship. This may take prior thought and commitment on your part. You must be willing to change first before you can expect any real effort on his part. If two people in a marriage sit and wait for the other to change, usually nothing happens.

Once you have done these things, you have set the stage for some possible changes assuming that your husband is willing. Assume that he is and give him the benefit of the doubt.

If he shows some resistance or lack of interest, you may want to seek help through your religious leader and/or professional counseling.

And don’t give up hope. Love “hopeth (for) all things” (1^st Cor. 12:7).