How Do You Keep Your Marriage Vital?

Published July 8, 1982. One of the best-known studies about marriage in the United States was done by John Cuber and Peggy Harroff. It was originally titled “The Significant Americans” and documented the phenomenon that the vitality once presented in many marriages has either diminished or is missing altogether.

Almost all marriages start out with a high degree of hope, enthusiasm, optimism, and vitality.  As young couples make their vows on their wedding day, they epitomize such love and commitment.

But, as Cuber and Harroff note, something usually happens to many couples along the marital path. For one thing, it is very difficult to maintain the high degree of personal attention and romantic involvement that was so instrumental in bringing the couple together as husband and wife. The authors call this loss of attentiveness and interest “devitalization.”

The same study indicates that devitalization in marriage is usually dealt with in one of two ways. First, there are the couples who accept it as a fact of life. That is just how marriage and life are supposed to be. Jobs, children, and outside activities such as community and church involvement often become so demanding that the marriage must be put on the back burner while either or both spouses try to meet these many obligations. Such couples usually do little to try and change the events, trends, or priorities.

The other way couples confront devitalization in marriage, according to Cuber and Harroff, is to guard against it. Even though the vast majority of married couples experience some degree of devitalization, many are not content to let their marital relationships give way to the daily demands of life. Such couples make conscious, and often creative efforts to keep each other first in priorities – even though it often means making some concessions and even sacrifices in other areas of life. Such endeavors usually turn out to be preventative rather than corrective in nature.

In his book “You and Your Marriage,” Hugh B. Brown notes, “This program of enjoying things together, which begins in courtship, should not lapse, but continue through the early, middle, and later married years. The couple should not wait until the days of their active parenthood are past before undertaking their joint project of enriching life. If they have not learned along the way to be delightful, lively, interesting, and inquisitive, then when their active parenthood days are past, there is danger of their seeking the chimney corner where, as querulous old people, they may huddle and commiserate.”

As I talk to numerous married couples of various ages, I am impressed with the efforts so many have made to be “delightful, lively, interesting, and inquisitive” in their marriages. Undoubtedly, many column readers have also been successful in keeping the zip in their marriages.

Since we have not had a write-in project for some time, would you like to participate in one? Sit down with your husband or wife and decide what have been the one or two most successful things you have done to keep or regain the vitality in your marriage.

I believe almost every couple has consciously done something to keep their marriage relationship alive.

After you have talked it over, write down one or two of your successful efforts on a sheet of paper. Remember, I am more interested in what you have done rather than what you think should be done.

Along with your letter, include a long, stamped, self-addressed envelope. After all the letters are in (and I expect several hundred) I will make a summary and send each respondent a copy. Those who respond will then have numerous other suggestions on what they can do to keep the vitality in their marriage. We may also use some of your comments in future columns. It should be a positive experience all the way around.

Only those who share an experience will receive a summary of the results. Others need not inquire or request one. These projects require a great deal of time and money.

Has your marriage become devitalized? If so, are you accepting or fighting the devitalization? Think about it.