How Does One Deal with a Snoring Spouse?

Published February 5, 1987. Not long ago I received the following letter.

Dear Dr. Barlow,

My husband and I have enjoyed 15 years of marriage and have four active children. We have not had any major problems in our marriage, that is until recently. My husband has started snoring at night. It has become so frequent and loud that I can’t sleep at all. I wake up in the mornings exhausted.

One of us will sometimes go to sleep in the other room or sometimes on the couch. Do you think this is dangerous for a marriage? Can there be intimacy problems if we don’t sleep together at night? This problem has just started in our marriage, and I am quite discouraged to think we might have to continue sleeping in separate beds or rooms. Can you give me any suggestions? Thank you.

One of the great shocks in marriage can arise when someone to whom you are romantically attached starts snoring at night. Since most couples are not aware of each other’s sleeping habits or practices until after marriage, a snoring spouse can become one of the real frustrations of life.

The truth is, we all need our sleep. Without enough of it, we are generally ineffective during the day. Furthermore, our health will eventually become impaired if there are prolonged periods of disrupted sleep.

Snoring may become more frequent as couples get older, and the tissues in the throat loosen up. Being overweight may also contribute to snoring because breathing must be more rapid to provide oxygen for the additional body tissue. For such people, losing weight may not only enhance healthy and self-esteem, it may also have the additional benefit of more relaxed breathing which, in turn, may reduce the likelihood of snoring in some cases. Having a small room humidifier to moisten the air may also help a person breath with less strain.

Many people have a difficult time snoring if they are not lying on their back. One nurse I know recommends swimming ear plugs for the non-snoring spouse. If that doesn’t work, she suggests a small rubber ball be sewn into the back of the snoring spouse’s pajamas. When he or she rolls on her back during the night, the small rubber ball creates mild discomfort which either wakes them up or causes them to sleep on their side or stomach. There may be a few instances when surgery is required, but that would be rare.

I personally see nothing wrong with a married couple sleeping in separate beds if sleeping habits or patterns, such as snoring, become disruptive. As for intimacy, with a little sense of humor and some planning, there is no reason a married couple cannot share intimate moments before retiring for the night or upon arising in the morning.

Getting a good night’s sleep can contribute a great deal to a sane marriage, even if it means spending at least part of the night in separate beds. If the truth were known, I think we would be surprised how many happily married couples actually sleep alone – snoring spouse or not.

Any additional thoughts for this discouraged wife on how to deal with a snoring spouse?