Search for Love Takes Hard Work

Published February 3, 1983. Maybe you have given that kind of talk before. The one where you wonder if anyone is paying any attention. Such was my experience nearly two years ago. I gave a speech at BYU during the summer to the Young Special Interest conference. The audience was very polite, informed, and responsive to the discussion. But still, I later wondered what impact, if any, I had.

Then, just a few days ago I received the following letter. It described the agony and the ecstasy of a spouse hunting the second time around. It read as follows:

Dear Dr. Barlow,

Two years ago I was sitting in one of your YSI conference classes at BYU. You said that we are only compatible with about 5% of the people we know. Also, you indicated there is much more to a relationship than sexual attraction and romance.

Not long after the conference, my divorce was final so I was ready to give your ideas the test. You challenged us to find the right marriage partner which started me off with some major goals in mind. They were (1) find out all I can about what makes a marital relationship work; (2) be willing to risk involvement with many different people, which includes asking out women who may appear at first to be hesitant to accept; and (3) keep myself aware of success, so it will be recognized.

I’ve now been married just a few weeks with hope of a very bright future. The struggle, however, to get to this point was one of the most rewarding, and yet heartbreaking times of my life.

Since that conference at BYU, I dated about 50 women, been engaged once, almost eloped, and flown as far away as Mexico to meet someone. I also started dating women who were fearful of relationships, only to see them later marry someone else. (About 22% of them never kissed on a date; 38% kissed on a casual basis, and the remaining 40% kissed a lot!) I’ve read over fifteen self-help books and these are among some of my greatest possessions.

All in all, it took courage, a sense of humor, some degree of personality, and a willingness to continue on to find someone with whom I could live in a martial relationship. I believe the correct principles for marriage are founded on free agency. This does not stop the need for communication. Rather, it allows the parties involved to be themselves.

So here I am with a stack of dirty dishes and babysitting my new stepson (He’s eating tuna fish and soda crackers for breakfast). My new bride is away for the day, but we can’t wait to see each other when she returns.

Thank you for your help, Dr. Barlow. We might not yet have it all put together, so we are enrolling in family counseling to help us learn better how to live together.

Life, however, seems to be rewarding and wonderful.

Signed: A graduated YSI’er.

I’m sure all the column readers join me in wishing the new couple all the best in life. And we thank them for sharing their experiences for the benefit of others. Personally, I’m glad to have had a small part in the process. Evidently, the fellow was listening to what I had to say.

But there was another man there that did concern me. He was sitting at the back of the room and kept looking at the clock on the wall. That didn’t bother me so much.

On occasion, however, he would look at his watch, shake it, and then yawn. And that is a dead giveaway to any speaker that you are not getting through.