Second Fiddle to a Cow?

Published June 7, 1979. Not long ago I was talking with a young woman who had been married a few years and was somewhat disappointed. She said that early in the marriage she learned her husband’s primary goal was to become a successful dairy farmer. He assured her that if he could spend most of his time in this pursuit during the first five years of marriage, he would then devote his time to her and the children.

Since they were still in that critical first five years, I asked her how she felt about this arrangement. “Frankly,” she replied, “I’m getting tired of being second to a cow!”

This situation is more widespread than is generally acknowledged. Students’ wives frequently complain that they feel second to a textbook; dentists’ wives report they resent being second to a set of dentures; teachers’ wives indicate they are fed up with being second to “other commitments” at school; and businessmen’s wives state they are perturbed that their marriages are being regulated by a computer or the data it produces. And the list goes on. With more married women entering the job force, husbands are beginning to have similar concerns.

A few years ago William H. Whyte wrote an article titled “The Wives of Management.” He asked a question few dare contemplate in our contemporary society: “Do men derive their major satisfaction from their occupation or from their marriage?”

Of course everyone knows what would be said if the question were publically asked to either the husband or the wife. The answer would be that a man’s major satisfactions come from the home. If he is happy there he will be happy in his work, and if a man is happy in his work, he will be happy in his home.

While this belief is probably necessary, Whyte questioned whether or not it is correct. He then asked the following pointed and disquieting questions.

1. If a marriage and the home is a man’s Shangri-La, why is he so frequently absent, and why has he become a defaulting father? Whyte noted that several studies indicated that husbands wanted to turn over more of the child-rearing responsibilities to their wives than the wives wanted to assume. One of the most frequent complaints of wives is summed up in the sentence. “He doesn’t spend enough time with me or the children.” And in most cases, husbands agree. 
2. If a man’s major interests are in the home and a marriage, why is it, as many psychologists note, that the average male shows a remarkable ability to repress his home worries while on the job. Rarely, however, can he shut out occupational concerns while at home.
3. If a man’s marriage and home life are more fulfilling than his occupation, why is the prospect of retirement so threatening? If the marriage has precedence over the job, retirement would seem, according to Whyte, to be something for which a couple could strive . . . time to be together. “Why,” he asks, “is retirement looked upon with such dismay by so many men in America?” 
4. To find how a man’s interest in his employment compares to his marriage and family. Whyte posed the final question: “If he had to make the choice, which would he take: an increasingly satisfying work life and a proportionately less satisfying home life – or the opposite?” The author suggested that most wives would be surprised at the answers.

Whyte noted that “doing all this work for the family” is a rationalization for many men. Even if the money were not the incentive, many U.S. males would continue to knock themselves out while highly involved at some type of employment.

Granted that most men and many women work at various occupations to support their families, two additional questions still must be asked.

First, where do employed adults spend most (and often the best) of their waking hours? Is it with their spouse and family or at work?

And second, when they are not working, where or with whom do they spend their off-duty time? Is it with spouse or family or is it in pursuit of other interests?

Perhaps marriage would be more meaningful if right from the beginning, or from now on, it could be first in the list of priorities of both husband and wife. This would mean that some compromises and even sacrifices would have to be made in other areas, including occupational success.

The marital benefits, however, would likely compensate for the loss, and we wouldn’t have to worry about our marriage being a close second to anything. Hopefully it could become an undisputed first.