Mothers Need, Deserve to Take Vacations, too

Published April 8, 1983. Susan was right once again! I should give more thought to some of the columns I write. Take, for instance, the one I wrote two weeks ago. A young wife with a small baby and also eight months pregnant wanted to know if I thought it was all right not to go with her husband and his family on an annual family outing. I suggested in the column it should not harm a married couple to be apart on occasion. So I agreed with her that she should stay home and let her husband go alone.

I also invited readers to write in with their opinions, and respond they did! Most of you saw other dimensions of the letter that I did not. Here are two sample letters.

Phyllis Hansen of Provo wrote:

In regards to the letter from the young wife…your advice was off base in my opinion. That lady didn’t really want separate vacations. She wanted a husband who was able to cut the umbilical cord from a possessive mama and be her man. She gave a good hint about the imbalance in relationships when she stated he was willing to spend just short amounts of time with her mother but insisted on regular participation with his family members.

I agree that separate vacations under some circumstances can really work. But a young mother with one baby and another on the way? No way! If his family insists on a vacation at that time, he should sit this one out and be good-natured about it. She needs him at home. Or at the very least, not be pressured to go or be made to feel guilty because she didn’t go.

I do enjoy your column and you are on target most of the time. There are more important issues on this one, in my opinion, than separate vacations. She is giving another message that is not being acknowledged by anyone.

Another woman wrote:

Dear Dr. Barlow:

I can’t believe your solution to this vacation problem! To be eight months pregnant and have a one-year-old child and be left alone while your husband vacations with his family is unthinkable.

Maybe no male can relate to that. When does she get her vacation? Even if he stayed home with the one year old, he can’t imagine how difficult it would be if he were eight months pregnant. I say forget the vacation. Do it some other time when conditions are more reasonable.

I can’t believe a professor at BYU, teaching family sciences would give such poor advice! In my opinion that man’s place is at home with his wife.

My husband and I are converts to the LDS Church and are disappointed at the lack of consideration given by LDS husbands to their wives. Thank goodness I can rest in the knowledge that my Methodist-raised husband would never go off with his parents and leave me to struggle with the little ones by myself. (We have been married 41 years and have raised three children). Is the LDS Church breeding male chauvinist husbands?

Signed: Mrs. J.E.T.

Well, oink, oink. What can I say? The young wife who wrote the original letter simply asked if I thought it would be all right not to go on the vacation. I thought so, but being the male I am. I did not perceive the added dimensions that were so apparent to many women readers.

So now for some genuine apologies. I apologize to the young wife for not giving enough thought to her letter to suggest that she is the one who needs the vacation.

I apologize to my wife, Susan, for ever leaving her alone during six pregnancies.

And to all the pregnant women who are left home by their husbands during the annual deer hunt in October. I apologize. Never, never will it happen again in Utah.