Mothers Should Avoid Being a Smother-in-Law

Published February 10, 1983.

Dear Mother,

Your daughter-in-law stopped by not long ago to talk to me. What she related was nothing new. I have heard it several times before.  But she wanted to talk, so I agreed to listen. And after she left I decided to write to you and all mothers in similar situations in hopes that something might be done before it is too late.

It was apparent that your daughter-in-law was concerned. She loves your son and their children, who are also your grandchildren. But in spite of the love she has for them, she is very unhappy. In fact, she is even thinking about divorce. And you may be interested to know that you have something to do with it.

Everything started off well in the marriage according to your daughter-in-law. Like any other mother, you were anxious that your son would marry well. That didn’t overly concern her. Nor did she give it much thought when you went all out to give your son and her as nice a wedding as possible.

What concerns her, however, is your excessive involvement in their lives after the wedding. The tragedy of all this is that you continued to be involved because you genuinely wanted to help your son and daughter-in-law get started in life. And the sad thing is that while you were, according to your perception, trying to help, you were actually hindering by her point of view.

After a rather lavish wedding ceremony and reception, you gave them a substantial amount of money for a honeymoon. The only problem is you didn’t bother to ask either of them if the money was wanted, let alone needed. After they returned, you continued to give assistance in the form of money, furniture, substantial amounts of food . . . and advice. You even offered to come over and help her clean house on occasion. All of this, particularly the advice, was unsolicited. Again, you meant well but erred in not asking if any of it was either wanted or needed.

Your daily phone calls of inquiry during the first year of their marriage was first perceived as part of the process of a mother letting go of her son. But when the phone calls continued for several years, her concern increased. Your only intention was to make sure the “kids,” as you liked to call them, were all right. Your motive was good, but once again your method was questionable.

What concerned your daughter-in-law the most, however, was not the unsolicited money, gifts, help, or advice. Nor was it the phone calls. It was the fact you always prided yourself as having a “close family” before any of your children married.

And you have tried to keep your family so close that your daughter-in-law has had a difficult time feeling a part of it. She feels she has had to compete with you for the attention of your son. The irony, again, is the more you want her to be part of your family, the less she feels she is part of her own by marriage.

Your daughter-in-law told me that after the wedding ceremony you felt you had gained a wife for your son, but she never really felt she had gained a husband. By holding on too tightly to your son, you have abdicated the role of mother and taken on the all-too-frequent role of smother-in-law.

Before it is too late, you and other mothers ought to let go of your married children. Please! Don’t give money, help, or advice unless (1) it is asked for; (2) it is needed; and (3) it is given with the full knowledge and approval of the spouses of your children.

It was Lottee Bailyn who said, “Availability without continuous presence is probably the best role a mother can play.” This is true after your children marry, as well as before.

With kindest regards,

Dr. Brent Barlow