Intimacy Important to Men

Published August 25, 1983. After I had written the book “What Wives Expect of Husbands,” one woman phoned to ask if I planned to write “What Husbands Expect of Wives.” I told her I did, and she replied, “Yes, and I’ll bet it will only have one chapter!”

The woman may have exaggerated the point, but she did convey a sentiment common to many women that sex is all a man wants in marriage. My response was that sexual fulfillment is not the only thing a man wants, but it is one thing – in fact, one very important thing – that almost all husbands desire in marriage.

Sexual fulfillment for both husband and wife is no guarantee that other aspects of the marriage will go well. But I do know that when there is little or no sexual fulfillment for either or both spouses, it can affect many dimensions of the martial relationship.

In their book “A Joyful Meeting: Sexuality in Marriage,” Doctors Mike and Joyce Grace have an interesting chapter on the differences between men and women in sexual matters. During the later years of marriage, it is often the wife who has the greater sexual interest. But for the first few years of marriage, the husband is usually interested in sexual interaction about twice as often as the wife.

While a wife’s interest in sex can be as intense as that of her husband, it is usually a little more erratic. The husband’s interest, however, is intense and more constant. In fact, Doctors Mike and Joyce Grace suggest that a man’s interest in sex recurs quite regularly, about every 48 hours.

If a wife isn’t interested in sex, but her husband is, should she participate? Before you say no, consider one or two matters.

Relatively few wives, I believe, realize the capability of sex to help keep a husband close to them physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. When a husband experiences sexual fulfillment, he feels very close to his wife in many ways. Because the sexual urge is so strong and constant in men, a wife should realize the high degree of fulfillment that comes to a husband when she helps him attain sexual satisfaction.

On the other hand, I also believe few wives sense the degree of frustration and alienation husbands feel when a wife refuses or ignores his sexual needs and interests.

If a marital relationship is strained or under stress, should a wife refuse sexual relationships with her husband? If she wants to prolong and heighten the stress, yes. But if she is sincerely interested in improving her marital relationship with her husband, the answer is a definite no.

Dr. Marian Hillian, an obstetrician, gynecologist, and a woman, gives this advice to her female patients:

“The way to save a strained marriage is to start with the act of love, meaning sexual intercourse. Here are the essentials of marriage in concentrated form. In one act are consideration, warmth, gaiety, charm, hunger, and ecstasy. In this small kingdom, a woman can heal the wounds caused by indifference and contempt. She is a fool if she ignores this tool provided by nature.”

Dr. Hilliard then concludes, “If a woman spent half the time cultivating the sexual relationship with her husband that she sometimes spends avoiding it, her marriage would blossom.”

Sexual fulfillment in marriage is not something we either give or get. It is something we share. When married couples finally accept this reality and act on it, the relationship will likely improve. And in our time of greater social awareness, husbands should be equally as concerned about meeting his wife’s sexual needs, as she is of his. This will be the topic of a future column.