Published
January 10, 1985. When was the last time you pinched
your husband or wife? Did you hurt them? Did the pinch irritate your spouse?
There are some experts on marriage
today who believe that many marital problems arise over “marital pinches.” Not
the kind where there is physical pain (although this, too, may occur). Marital
pinches are minor irritations that often arise in relationships between husband
and wife.
In the November 1984 “Marriage
Enrichment Newsletter,” Marcy and Ralph Reed talk about marital pinches. They
believe that a major crisis in marriage almost always results from a series of
small irritations (martial pinches) that are not dealt with when they arise.
Subsequently, the Reeds suggest that these minor areas of stress be confronted
and discussed as they happen, before they become major events. Perhaps the
quality of the marital relationship is largely determined by whether or not,
and how, married couples regularly and faithfully “act on the pinch.”
What are some examples of marital
pinches? Ralph and Marcy list some that occur often in the life of the average
couple in the United Sates. They are:
- You forgot to tell me about the meeting you have at 7:30 p.m.
- You talk to me while I am talking to someone else on the telephone.
- You leave a mess in the bathroom.
- You don’t ask me what is wrong when you know that something is wrong.
- You make light of a problem I tell you about.
- You use up all the gas in the car.
- You come home from work and yell at the children because you are tired.
- You remind me of something stupid I did five years ago.
- You are often not ready on time.
- You sometimes pay more attention to the newspaper or television than to me.
- You repeat something which I have told you in confidence.
- While I’m talking, you walk away and do something else.
- You forget to do something I asked you to do.
- You start a job, but you don’t finish it.
- You tease me about my cooking in front others.
- You keep putting off that weekend alone you promised we would take.
- You question my judgment in front of the children.
Have you or do you get slightly
irritated over these or other seemingly minor matters? If so, you’ve been
pinched.
The Reeds suggest a marital
exercise. When you are both feeling relatively well and calm, talk about your
marital pinches. You may want to review the above list together and see if some
of these occur in your marriage. Take turns talking and listening. Then develop
a policy for dealing with these pinches when they occur in the future.
Perhaps one small accidental pinch
may be tolerated and forgotten. But many pinches, particularly in the same
area, should be conveyed and confronted. Several small pinches can hurt and be
highly irritating. Would your marriage improve if you learned to deal with the
irritations?
Hundreds of years ago some good
advice was written on the subject: “Moreover
if thy brother (or spouse) shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his
fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy
brother” (Matt. 18:15).
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