Insidious ‘Pinches’ Can Be the Grinches that Steal a Marriage


Published January 10, 1985. When was the last time you pinched your husband or wife? Did you hurt them? Did the pinch irritate your spouse?

There are some experts on marriage today who believe that many marital problems arise over “marital pinches.” Not the kind where there is physical pain (although this, too, may occur). Marital pinches are minor irritations that often arise in relationships between husband and wife.

In the November 1984 “Marriage Enrichment Newsletter,” Marcy and Ralph Reed talk about marital pinches. They believe that a major crisis in marriage almost always results from a series of small irritations (martial pinches) that are not dealt with when they arise. Subsequently, the Reeds suggest that these minor areas of stress be confronted and discussed as they happen, before they become major events. Perhaps the quality of the marital relationship is largely determined by whether or not, and how, married couples regularly and faithfully “act on the pinch.”

What are some examples of marital pinches? Ralph and Marcy list some that occur often in the life of the average couple in the United Sates. They are:
  1. You forgot to tell me about the meeting you have at 7:30 p.m.
  2. You talk to me while I am talking to someone else on the telephone.
  3. You leave a mess in the bathroom.
  4. You don’t ask me what is wrong when you know that something is wrong.
  5. You make light of a problem I tell you about.
  6. You use up all the gas in the car.
  7. You come home from work and yell at the children because you are tired.
  8. You remind me of something stupid I did five years ago.
  9. You are often not ready on time.
  10. You sometimes pay more attention to the newspaper or television than to me.
  11. You repeat something which I have told you in confidence.
  12. While I’m talking, you walk away and do something else.
  13. You forget to do something I asked you to do.
  14. You start a job, but you don’t finish it.
  15. You tease me about my cooking in front others.
  16. You keep putting off that weekend alone you promised we would take.
  17. You question my judgment in front of the children.

Have you or do you get slightly irritated over these or other seemingly minor matters? If so, you’ve been pinched.

The Reeds suggest a marital exercise. When you are both feeling relatively well and calm, talk about your marital pinches. You may want to review the above list together and see if some of these occur in your marriage. Take turns talking and listening. Then develop a policy for dealing with these pinches when they occur in the future.

Perhaps one small accidental pinch may be tolerated and forgotten. But many pinches, particularly in the same area, should be conveyed and confronted. Several small pinches can hurt and be highly irritating. Would your marriage improve if you learned to deal with the irritations?

Hundreds of years ago some good advice was written on the subject:  “Moreover if thy brother (or spouse) shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother” (Matt. 18:15).

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