Reducing the Worry About Teenagers

Published August 4, 1983. “Where have you been?” “Why are you late?” Such questions are ones many teenage children hear more than they desire.

These questions reflect parents who are worried about their children. And the reasons parents worry are often found in the child’s efforts to achieve independence. While children are young they stay mostly at home, have the usual young children’s problems, and face challenges involving fewer risks. The older children grow in our society, the more they move away from the comfortable environment of home and family. They move into a world more complex than home, which presents greater challenges for both parents and children.

The movement away from home is usually gradual and continues until the influence of children’s friends, teachers and outside experiences is about equal to that of their parents. In most cases this combined influence of children’s friends, teachers, and outside experiences is about equal to that of their parents. In most cases this combined influence is positive or at least mixed, and teenagers learn and find the support necessary to become independent adults.

Parents can take comfort in the knowledge that over 99 percent of all teenagers become adults, even if it takes some longer than others. Parents also worry because of the methods children use to make their way to adulthood.

The way teenagers act in public is often perceived as an example of the quality of care they have received from their parents. Many parents think their children’s actions are a reflection of them. If parents are concerned about their social image, they will worry a great deal about their children’s public behavior.

Many may feel like publishing a disclaimer in the newspaper saying that they are not responsible for what their particular child says or does. Other parents worry less because they are less concerned about their own public image.

Because children and parents are separated more when children are teenagers, the amount of information exchanged through conversation also diminishes. Parents are then faced with more uncertainty about what their children are doing. They have fewer opportunities to exert influence, and are confronted with fewer ways to become informed about their children.

Parents also worry about their children’s friends. It is very common, for example, that our children want to belong to groups that require time and types of behavior which we find new and perplexing. Membership in these teenage groups may require rehearsals early in the morning or late at night that prevent participation in family activities.

Children may also learn and use a new vocabulary which is a part of their participation in their chosen group. For example, such group membership often reinforces swearing or using new words that describe characteristics of people such as “awesome,” “wimp,” or “geek.” Some words are negative, such as “scum bucket” or “slime” because ridicule and harassment are typical ways groups achieve conformity by its members. Teenagers learn these expressions with their friends and then use them at home only to find that parents prefer they wouldn’t.

If you as a parent want to reduce worry about teenagers, you may want to consider the following:

1. Discuss striving for independence with children, so both parents and children are informed and can share the experience.
2. Do not overreact to situations of uncertainty. Instead, work to communicate positive things that reassure children of your continued affection.
3. Turn off the television enough to permit opportunities for casual conversation.
4. Ask children about their own decisions such as activities in which they participate, friends they select, and appropriate times when they come home.

Parents usually get what they expect. Examine you own expectations of your children and make sure you communicate expectations that are positive and possible for them to achieve. Remember, 99 percent of teenagers eventually mature to become adults. And likely yours will too if the transition is not made too difficult.