Recommitment Strengthens the Marriage Bond

Published December 28, 1989. Is it appropriate for husbands and wives to recommit to each other on occasion? Some say not. When you marry you make your vows and commitments at that time, and it is unnecessary to do it again.

Others, however, feel that it is appropriate, and even helpful, for a husband and wife to let each other know they still hold to their original wedding vows.

In my “Marriage Enhancement” classes for newlyweds at BYU, I encourage young couples to periodically recommit to each other. I think it is particularly significant during the early years of marriage because a high number of divorces occur during the first three or four years. I tell my students that on our wedding anniversary on June 5^th, Susan and I like to go out to celebrate one more year together and recommit for the next.

Apparently, a few of the students were listening. Not long ago I received the following letter:

Dear Dr. Barlow,

My husband and I will have been married four years in December. The first semester we were married we took your class on marriage enrichment. We enjoyed it very much. One thing I remember and still use from your class is the phrase “I recommit.” We say this to one another frequently. We felt at the time that we had an unusually strong and committed union. This has proven to be more than true. During the ups and downs and some very stressful times during our four years, we have remained very much in love and very committed to one another.

My husband is the kind who would sit up all night with me if I were sick, and more. He gets up with the baby at all hours, plus every morning, so I can sleep in. He washes all the dishes because he knows I hate that particular chore. He tells me he loves me at least five times a day. He cleans the house and bakes better than I do. He is sensitive and tender and always concerned with making me happy. I really can’t say enough about how wonderful he is! I can’t imagine what I ever did to deserve him, but I thank Heavenly Father every day for a husband like him.

Of course, our marriage isn’t perfect. Some things we do that help to strengthen our commitment are: Every anniversary we write letters to each other of love, gratitude, etc., and seal them up. We open them the next year and write new ones. We touch each other often in non-demanding ways. It is hard to not be emotionally close to someone when you are touching. We talk a lot. And not just about the weather. We try to get at a feeling level every day, even if briefly. This again helps keep that emotional closeness that I feel is vital for true commitment. We spend a lot of time together. We go to bed together. We pray together.

Commitment in marriage isn’t one big thing – it is may little things. And for me it is that amazing feeling of being able to completely trust myself to another person in every way, without fear of being let down or deceived. Thank you for letting me share these thoughts with you.

I, in turn, thank a former student for writing. As most teachers are aware, it is nice to know that something you taught someone may have made a difference in his or her life. As we make the transition not only into a new year, but also a new decade, perhaps husbands and wives could recommit once again to travel life’s journeys together.

Oliver Wendell Holmes observed, “The greatest thing in this world is not so much where we are, but in what direction we are moving.”

Happy New Year as we enter the 1990s.