These Four Rs Can Make a Big Difference in Life

Published September 15, 1983. I received two similar letters during the past week. They were alike in that they were both written by wives who wrote about marriage, sexuality, and the LDS religion.

One wife wrote, “I am struggling with the problem of birth control. I have five young children and am not physically or emotionally ready to have another one . . . What about birth control from the LDS standpoint? If you abstain from sexual relationships too long, don’t you think it can hurt a marriage?”

Another woman explained that she and her husband were active Latter-day Saints in their early 30s. They also had five children. She wrote, “We have searched numerous books to find what the guidelines are for sexual behavior in marriage according to the LDS Church. We have been asked in the past if we do anything ‘unnatural’ in our sexual relationship. My question is ‘What is unnatural?’”

I have received numerous letters on these two topics in the past, and I believe they have a common theme. There are at least four components to most major religions. They are Rituals, Restrictions, Regulations, and Relationships. All are equally important. But in some religious organizations, some individuals like to put more emphasis on one category than another.

Rituals are those activities or ceremonies repeated often enough to remind us of significant religious truths. Most religious organizations have rituals of one kind or another.

Restrictions are the “shalt not’s,” those things or activities which are discouraged or in some cases forbidden. Examples of restrictions are to not steal, bear false witness, commit adultery, covet, etc.

Regulations are the “thou shalt’s” which encourage us to do certain things. Examples of regulations are keeping the Sabbath day holy, honoring father and mother, loving our neighbor, and so forth.

All of the first three, rituals, restrictions, and regulations affect the fourth, relationships. The desired outcome of these three is that we become more loving people and establish better relationships with ourselves, our immediate family members, our spouses, our neighbors, and our God.

Pertaining to sexual matters in marriage, it has always been interesting to me that some become more interested in restrictions than in regulations or relationships. Religious restrictions should not become so rigid that they negatively affect relationships.

Susan and I have very close friends who eventually divorced over misunderstandings of the two issues mentioned in the letters. We were particularly saddened because we thought the separation was unnecessary. When the divorce became final I continued to wonder. Must relationships always be at the mercy of restrictions?

Since I, too, am a Latter-day Saint. I have always been proud to belong to a religious denomination that places equal emphasis on rituals, restrictions, regulations, and relationships. It is often we the members, I believe, who place undue emphasis on one category or another. Please keep in mind that these opinions are my own. Specific guidelines form the LDS Church on these matters should be sought from ecclesiastical leaders.