The Key to Successful Parenthood

Published April 19, 1984. The March 1984 issue of Marriage Encounter Magazine has an interesting article on marriage by Dr. David R. Mace, a pioneer in the field of marriage enrichment. But his article is titled “Wanted: Some Good Parents.” It caught my attention, and I thought you might be interested in what he had to say.

I write this particular column knowing some readers are either divorced or are in the process of so doing. The counseling profession has tried to help couples make decisions that are best for them as adults regarding the future of the marriage. But some professionals, such as Dr. Mace, are becoming more vocal advocates of children when the impact of divorce is considered.

Dr. Mace writes, “I would fight for the right to divorce when it is absolutely necessary. I am fairly tolerant when couples without children decide to go their separate ways. But for couples with children, the only real justification for divorce is positive proof that it is the best course for the children. How often is that?”

He continues, “What we know about this is being hushed up. What is considered to be the most thorough study of the children of divorce followed them step-by-step for five years. It was discovered that roughly one-third of them had been permanently emotionally damaged. But we brush this aside by saying that it’s bad for children to stay in a home with parents in conflict.”

The rationale noted by Dr. Mace is used by many. Children should not be reared in a home filled with conflict. This is particularly true where there is physical assault or excessive emotional or verbal abuse. But what does Dr. Mace observe?

“The truth is,” he argues, “that there is plenty of conflict in most homes, and probably always has been; and that there are ways of coping with it, better understood today than every before. In any family, siblings are frequently in conflict, but the break-up of the home is, for a sensitive child, like the end of the world. We now know how to deal, and to deal creatively, with most family conflict. The core issue is for parents to manage their conflicts successfully. Then the broader family conflicts can usually be controlled. Our message, quite simply, is that the key issue for successful parenthood is successful marriage.”

Dr. Mace related an incident where he was invited to testify before a government committee on ways to promote the welfare of “Children, Youth and Family.” He stated the title was interesting, the three entities closely related, but he thought there was something missing.

He responded to the invitation to speak with the following: “My view is that you are leaving out the central issue. The primary key to the well-being of children, youth, and family is the quality of the relationship between the two persons who produced the child. That’s where you have to focus if you want real lasting progress.”

Dr. Mace concludes his article in the recent Marriage Encounter Magazine with the following observation: “If we want to improve the well-being of the nation’s children, upon whom its future almost completely depends, there is nothing – absolutely nothing – that matters more than to improve the quality of the relationship between the men and women who brought these children into the world.”