The Middle Years Aren’t Over the Hill

Published March 23, 1979. Like most married couples, Susan and I experience our moments of identity crisis. This happened not long ago when we realized we are no longer young but are not yet willing to concede that we are really old. We finally came to the rather logical conclusion that we are experiencing the middle years of marriage.

Trapped somewhere between puberty and paralysis, other married couples like ourselves may also be facing similar situations and asking some of the same questions. Having spent our youth must we be reconciled to the idea that the best of life and perhaps marriage is over? Or, is it possible that the most rewarding part of marriage is yet ahead?

In essence, are those of us in the middle years of marriage approaching the summit, or are we over the hill?

Susan and I have also been confused trying to determine when the middle years begin and when they end. The U.S. Government Census has defined the middle years as those between 30 and 64 in one survey. Another study defined the middle years were experienced between 55 and 75.

The logical conclusion could be drawn that anyone over 30 and under 75 is middle aged, but not so. Still another investigation of people over 80 years of age found that only half of the people reported themselves being “old,” and the other half defined themselves as being in the “middle” years of life.” So if you are between 30 and somewhere near 80 years of age, read on . . . you are in the middle.

What do the middle years hold for marriage? Some research indicates that the middle years are a time of challenge, of frustration, a time of transition, and a period of change. Many middle aged people report feeling caught, pressed and squeezed. Economists have also described the tremendous financial pressures on middle aged couples. All of these thoughts would lead us to believe we are on the other side of the mountain longingly looking back at better times. While these trends may be true for some married couples, they need not be for all.

Dr. Richard Kerckhoff of Purdue University recently noted that the middle years of marriage can be, and often are, the best. According to Dr. Kerckhoff, the middle years can be a time of recognition of our value, not just a time to doubt our worth. The middle years for many can be a time of reassessment, of withdrawal from energy-consuming activities to which we never were really committed.

During this time in our marriage, Dr. Kerckhoff suggests we focus on those things in life which we now feel are really worthwhile.

During the years we are married there will be times of triumph as well as tribulation. When and how frequently we experience each of these may vary from couple to couple. But how we perceive and define life may also make a difference. For instance, are we growing old, or are we gracefully maturing? Have we decided that the best of marriage and life is over? If so, perhaps we are acting accordingly.

If, however, the summit of life and marriage still lies ahead, then both the journey to the top and the perspective that awaits our arrival are worth our continued efforts. Maybe the middle years of marriage can indeed be most meaningful.