Guidelines for When Marriage Gets ‘Tough’

Published May 24, 1984. I’ve been reading an unusual book about marriage during the past few weeks. It was written to husbands or wives whose marriage partner wants out of the relationship. The book is titled “Love Must Be Tough” and was written by Dr. James Dobson from the University of Southern California. He also wrote the books “What Wive’s Wish Their Husband Knew About Women,” and “Dare to Discipline.”

According to Dr. Dobson numerous husbands and wives face the possibility of losing a spouse through divorce for various reasons. Eventually, about 40 percent of marriages do terminate in divorce. Many other married couples, however, consider separating without actually doing it.

What should one do when a marriage partner wants to terminate the relationship? Many become “clingers” or doormats by saying things like, “I’ll do anything to keep you.” Or, they will allow, or at least tolerate a partner to have many clandestine relationships. All this is done with the hopes that the wayward spouse will come to his or her senses and return to the marriage. This strategy, according to Dr. Dobson, seldom works.

No one can be forced to be in a relationship, particularly marriage. It should be started and maintained on some basis of spontaneity. People should be in a marital relationship not because they have to, but because they want to. By begging someone to stay, or threatening certain behaviors if they attempt to leave, one only adds pressure to an already tense situation.

In relationships there is the principle of least interest, which is simply this: The one least interested in the relationship usually controls the relationship. By telling a husband or wife that you will do anything to keep them at any cost, only puts them in control. They then can do anything they wish, at any time, knowing they may return at their whim and at their discretion whenever they desire. And most spouses will take advantage of such a situation.

So what does Dr. Dobson suggest instead of the “I’ll-do-anything-to-keep-you” philosophy? Just as the title of the book states, he believes that love must be tough in that it has some parameters of what is and what is not acceptable. The marriage counselor suggests that a husband or wife living with a partner who wants out, or at least is not sure if he or she wants in, do something confronting.

First, declare to your wayward spouse your own dissatisfaction with the present condition of the relationship. Be specific in pointing out what it is the other person is doing that you can no longer tolerate. This might include such things as dating or carrying on affairs with members of the opposite sex, excessive drinking into the early hours of the morning, staying out late at night, or not returning at all for several days. All these behaviors indicate a lack of caring on the part of the guilty party.

Second, declare your intent to stay in the marriage and indicate your willingness to work at the relationship under the new terms specified. By confronting your negligent spouse with the behavior you can no longer tolerate, you may think there is the danger of pushing him or her right out of what there is left of the marriage. To the contrary. Your willingness with less tension brings greater possibilities of staying together.

You also indicate your willingness to let go of the person if that is what is desired. Dr. Dobson believes in the old proverb “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t come back, it never was yours in the first place.”

If you are facing the situation of potential divorce, you may want to read “Love Must Be Tough,” by Dr. James Dobson.