Growth Group Grew Right into a Divorce

Published September 3, 1987. I believe it was one of the saddest phone calls I ever received. The phone rang, and I answered it. The man on the other end of the line said “Hello,” and told me his name.

At first I didn’t recognized the voice, but he said we had talked about a year ago on the phone. Then I remembered.

He called previously to ask me what I thought about a certain group that meets periodically in Salt Lake City. He called it a “growth group,” and asked me what I thought about him and his wife attending. I told him on the phone 12 months ago that it was one of several such groups and that I had heard some good things about that particular group. But I also stated I had some reservations about it.

He asked what my concerns were. I said that sometimes such intense emphasis is put on individual growth and improvement that marriage and family relationships are sometimes impaired. The man assured me that his marriage was stable, and both he and his wife felt they wanted to pay the few hundred dollars for the training.

I told him I couldn’t make the decision for them, but I suggested he do two things: (1) keep in mind the emphasis on individual growth, and (2) call me back in a few months and let me know his feelings about the program.

And that was why he called me back. It has now been nearly a year since he and his wife went through the training program.

“Do you want to know what has happened to us?” he asked.

I was curious but couldn’t detect any inflection in his voice to indicate whether he had good or bad news.

“Yes,” I replied, “I would like to know.”

He paused and then he answered, “We’re getting divorced.”

I was shocked. Just 12 months ago, both he and his wife had reported a satisfactory marital relationship. Over the phone he then told of some of the hurt and resentment he felt toward their “growth group” experience a year ago.

They went through the first phase together, and he felt they learned some helpful things up to that point. For considerable more money, they were invited to enroll in the next or “advanced” phase of the training. That is where the trouble began. His wife wanted to attend but he did not.

This, he said, became a major marital conflict and was the beginning of the end of their marriage. She insisted and eventually attended the advanced training in another city, spending a considerable amount of money in the process. Shortly after returning, she announced that their marriage was inhibiting her personal development, and she was filing for divorce. And she did.

To me, this is a critical issue that needs greater attention. Undoubtedly many individuals benefit from this and other types of “growth group” training. But I am convinced some married couples are actually harmed by the repeated emphasis on individual growth and development in such groups. I would be the first to admit there must be some autonomy in marriage. But when individuality becomes paramount, two people become what we call “married singles.” With continued emphasis on individual pursuits, the marriage eventually ends. And sometimes it ends long before the divorce finally occurs.

Two “I’s” seldom survive marriage. At some point they must become and remain “We.”