Grief from Loss of Divorce Different but Real

Published January 21, 1988. Whenever anyone sustains a loss of some kind, grief usually follows. We grieve different losses in differing ways. But we all grieve.

The loss of a spouse is one occasion in life when people usually grieve. If the loss occurs because of death, the grief is understandable. We gather around the one sustaining the loss when it occurs and try to give support in one form or another. But loss of a spouse through divorce is often different. When a divorce occurs, we are sometimes less supportive even to the point of blame and ridicule.

The type and intensity of grief associated with divorce differs from person to person. It also depends on whether a person instigates the divorce, or if one is abandoned by a marriage partner.

A friend whom I admire and respect very much recently experienced a divorce. In her case, it was her husband who left her and their children. While she was grieving the loss, she was fortunate to have family and friends who tried to be supportive and helpful during the painful separation. A family member sent her the following poem by Veronica A. Schoffstall titled “Comes the Dawn.” My friend, in turn, gave it to me, and I was so touched by Veronica’s insights I asked if I might share it with you.

Comes the Dawn

After a while you learn the subtle difference

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning

And company doesn’t mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts

And presents aren’t promises

And you begin to accept your defeats.

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today

Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans.

And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

That even sunshine burns if you get to much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers,

And you learn that you really can endure . . .

That you really are strong.

And you really do have worth.

And you learn and learn . . .

And with every good-bye you learn.

I don’t know who Veronica A. Shoffstall is. Perhaps some of you do and will write and tell me, so she can receive due recognition for her writing. Perhaps you, too, could pass on the poem to someone else who might benefit from it.

We share her thoughts with you, particularly those who are grieving from the loss of a spouse through divorce.

Hopefully we can be more sensitive to their needs as well.