Good Parents Can Turn Out Terrible Kids

Published May 23, 1985. I was talking to a woman during the past week who was very upset. Her son, now in his late twenties, had become involved in an activity she deemed inappropriate. Still, the son persisted in participating in the undesirable behavior.

The more we talked, the more I could understand her concern. But it also became obvious that she held herself and her husband responsible for their son’s misconduct. She felt terribly guilty. There is a name for what the mother was feeling. It is called parental determinism. Parental determinism suggests that parents determine what their children become. It is widely believed in our area.

If parents have model children who become first in everything that is desirable and good, then it is very easy to subscribe to the parental determinism philosophy. But what about good parents who have children who, for one reason or another, do not follow the guidelines and values advocated by the mother and father? Does it mean that the parents have failed in their attempts to raise their child well? If you accept parental determinism literally, you might draw that conclusion.

People who follow this line of thought often quote a Bible verse. In Proverbs 22:6 it states, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” The implication is if a child does “depart,” then he or she has not been adequately trained. And many parents, like the mother with whom I was conversing, felt that her son’s misconduct was an indication that he had not been properly trained.

I once read another interpretation of Proverbs 22:6. It implied, “Give in to a child all the time (train up a child the way he wants to go), and when he is old he will continue in the same way.” That is, allow the child to be self-centered, and when he is old he will continue to be selfish. The implication still is that the child is the father of the man. But this interpretation does not suggest that parents are totally responsible for their children’s outcome.

The philosophy of parental determinism in controversial, partly because it is so widely accepted. I often discuss it with my colleagues. Some believe, and I agree, that parents have the first and best opportunity to direct the lives of their children. A few of my associates hold to the parental determinism point of view. Still others acknowledge that, in addition to the home and parents, there are many other factors that contribute to a child’s outcome. Among these would be other siblings, education, peer influence, the mass media, religion, and the individual’s own agency, or freedom.