Marriage Poll Brings Up Question: Is There Such a Thing as Too Much Togetherness?

Published December 12, 1985. It’s finally time to report on the survey conducted a few weeks ago. It was on the Marital Adaptability and Cohesion Evaluation Scale devised by Dr. David Olson from the University of Minnesota. At last count, 476 people (238 couples) wrote in, asked for the questionnaire, filled it out, and returned it. I thank you all for your willingness to participate.

When I was in Dallas, Texas a month ago I mentioned to a colleague from California the large number of people who wrote in. My friend indicated that only those who are happily married and care about the relationship usually write in and participate in such projects. So for those of you who took part, that is your first compliment.

Among those who returned the questionnaire, there were some balanced marriages, numerous (including my own) mid-range marriages and a few extreme marriages. Many respondents wrote back wanting to know the definitions of the three marriage types. As indicated in the original instructions, any of the three types work as long as that is what both husband and wife desire. Where there are extreme amounts of cohesion (togetherness) or adaptability (flexibility), troubles can occur when one or the other desires change.

My first observation from the results is that we are pretty high on cohesion or togetherness in marriage in our area. We simply like being together, which can be a mixed blessing when taken to the extreme. We sing of, talk of, or desire to be together, even forever, in our marriages.

Susan and I, like most of the couples in the survey, were high on the cohesion scale. I explained to her that I like being with her more than any other person. She indicated the same sentiment about me. But we also realized that we need to have a comfortable distance between us. As the contemporary song states, “Even lovers need a holiday, far away, from each other.”

That is the main question resulting from the survey: Can you have too much togetherness in marriage? At first glance, it would seem not. But one of Dr. Olson’s extreme marriage types was square #4, the Chaotic, Enmeshed Marriage. While there were not many such relationships in this survey, there were numerous ones borderline to it. Too much togetherness in a marriage might be just as detrimental as too little.

Not long ago I read an article in the "Family Relations Journal" on this very topic. It was titled, “The Vital Marriage: A Closer Look.” It was a study conducted by researchers at the University of Nebraska who wanted to determine the characteristics of a good marriage. One such trait for both husband and wife was High Ego Strengths. They noted, “Vital marital partners appear to have well-developed ego strengths; that is, they have characteristics that enable them to function autonomously and separate themselves from their mate. Healthy ego strengths is indicated in that a majority (75 percent) of the respondents expressed a moderate need to make independent judgments and take independent actions. Further, only 2 percent expressed high dependency needs.”

The story is told of a moth flying about the forest on a chilly summer evening. The moth came to a campfire and was drawn near it because of the warmth. The moth found that if it was too far from the campfire it was still isolated and cold. But it also learned that if it got too close, the heat singed its wings and it could not fly. Only by staying a balanced distance from the fire could the moth benefit from the light and warmth, and yet not be consumed by the heat.

Perhaps husbands and wives also function best in marriage when they are a comfortable and balanced distance form each other. Close enough for warmth, but distant enough to avoid being consumed by the intensity of the relationship.