Marriage of Religious Leader: Different Problems

Published December 18, 1986. It should come as no surprise to anyone that contemporary marriage can be both challenging and rewarding. But it seems that for one married group in our society, marriage is particularly difficult. That group is the married religious leaders in our communities.

For hundreds of years married men, and now women, have had the “calling” or responsibility of caring for and attending to the needs of people within their congregations. But what about their own responsibilities as spouses and parents?

In 1965 William Douglas wrote a book titled “Ministers’ Wives.” In it he noted:

It is striking how seldom books on the Protestant ministry take account of the fact that most ministers are married, with responsibility as husbands and fathers. The guiding image, after the Protestant Reformation as well as before it, appears to be a celibate priesthood, in which the clergyman gives his undivided loyalty and time to the church. Few authors meet realistically and constructively the conflicts faced by a minister who seeks to balance the competing demands and responsibilities of his family and his congregation.

Five years ago, David and Vera Mace studied clergy marriages and reported their findings in a book titled “What’s Happening to Clergy Marriages.” They surveyed 168 pastors and their wives and found there were both advantages and disadvantages to clergy marriages. Ten advantages were:

1. Shared Christian commitment and spiritual resources
2. Unity of purpose in ministering to others
3. Nurturing support of congregation
4.  High status, respect in community
5. Wife’s close identification with husband’s work
6. Meet interesting people, travel, conferences
7. Opportunities for study, training, and growth
8. Challenge to model a Christian family
9. Ready-made community of friends
10. Counseling role satisfies and gives insight

Ten disadvantages of clergy marriage were:

1.  Marriage expected to be model of perfection
2. Time pressures due to husband’s heavy schedule
3. Lack of family privacy – “goldfish bowl” syndrome
4. Financial stress – wife must seek job
5. No in-depth sharing with other church couples
6.  Children expected to model churches’ expectations
7.  Husband, serving others, neglecting own family
8. Role expectations suppress “humanness” of couple
9. Wife’s duties assigned by church: She feels exploited
10. Emotional stress caused by crisis situations

The importance of a minister or religious leader having a stable, satisfying marriage was indicated in these thoughts:

If my marriage isn’t rich and fulfilling, it will be hard for me to be a loving person.

If I don’t function as a loving person, I cannot be an effective pastor.

If I am not an effective pastor, my work will make me increasingly frustrated.

My frustration about my work will feed back destructively into my marriage.

This will cause my marriage to function less and less effectively.

Therefore, working to achieve a loving and creative marriage is a task of major importance to me.

These thoughts are not only appropriate for religious leaders, either full or part-time; they are applicable to all. A stable, satisfying marriage appears to be worth the work and effort required.