Marriage Is Foundation of Family Life

Published May 18, 1989. One day I was having lunch with a friend, and we were discussing our weekend plans. I happened to mention, in passing, that I had been invited to talk to a group of people about marriage. He paused for a moment and then said, partly in jest, “Why is it we need people like you going around giving talks on marriage?”

His friendly brashness concerned me, but he continued. “We are a family oriented society,” he observed, “and marriage is a subset of the family. If you take care of the family you will automatically take care of the marriage.”

I told my friend I understood his reasoning, but I disagreed with his point of view. I have seen instances where highly committed married couples work feverishly to be good parents, and in the process they let their marriage go. Furthermore, I argued, not all activities that build relationships with children automatically build husband and wife relationships.

One summer our children wanted to have a family activity and chose to go to Lagoon. We went on one of the hottest days in July. The car engine heated up on their way there, the kids got sunburned that day, one threw up after riding on the Colossus, and we spilled punch all over the car seat on the way home. But upon arriving in the driveway all the children agreed it had been a “great” family outing.

I tried to explain to my friend that the trip to Lagoon had been a good family experience but did not meet all the romantic and personal needs of Susan and myself.

At the end of our lunch I argued that marriage is not a subset of family. But where both father and mother are present in the family, I believe marriage is the very foundation of family life. As previously noted, we have found “As goes our marriage, so goes our family.” When things go well in our marriage, Susan and I both seem to do a better job with our children, at work, at church, and in other aspects of life. Personally, I have found I feel much better about myself and my own capabilities when things go well in our marriage. (If a single parents runs the home, then I think his or her own personal stability and relationships with family, friends and others also affects the quality of the family.)

Some time after the discussion with my friend, I found an interesting quote I wished I had at the time. In the preface to their book “Marriage Enrichment: Philosophy, Process and Program,” Larry Hof and William R. Miller note:

This book focuses almost exclusively on marriage enrichment and does not give equal consideration to family enrichment because of our belief that the most effective and efficient way to enrich families is to focus on the husband-wife relationship. We believe that the quality of the marital relationship greatly influences, and may in fact determine, the quality of the total family relationship.

I agree. Do you? Spending time in activities that build family relationships is worthwhile. Equal investment in marital relationships also pays dividends.