Too Little Togetherness in Marriage

Published September 4, 1986.  A few weeks ago I wrote about togetherness or emotional bonding in marriage. We talked about having too much togetherness and how that can be detrimental to a marriage. I quoted a poem by Kahlil Gibran titled “Let There Be Spaces in Your Togetherness.” Part of it was as follows:

            Love one another, but make not a bond of love.

            Let it rather be a morning sea between the shores of your souls.

            Fill each other’s cup, but drink not from one cup.

            Give on another of your bread, but eat not from the same loaf.

I also suggested that we take care not to have too little togetherness. We need enough shared activities to keep us interested in each other. This point was made very well by a wife who read the column and then wrote me a letter. She gave me permission to share some of her comments with you. She wrote:

I realize that my husband and I have been so successful in creating spaces for each other’s individuality that what little closeness we once had has vanished. My husband’s willingness to let me be my own person and pursue interests and activities on my own has been of great value to me over the years. I’ve never felt I needed to ask permission; we just coordinated our calendar. As a result, in spite of the fact that I have many very close friends, a loving family, rewarding cultural, community and church pursuits, I am lonely much of the time. I often have to make a conscious effort to keep from feeling depressed.

My husband seems content with things the way they are. I am not. I keep telling myself all the time that I’m not a widow. So I try to be happy when he is home, but sometimes that is the worse time of all because I feel ignored and thus even more isolated.

Usually our conversations consist of me talking and my husband listening and then giving one-word answers. If I wait for him to speak, he finally asks if I’m unhappy or if I feel well. Needless to say, our communication is scanty.

I’ve learned to like football in order for us to have something in common. But I can only enjoy so much of it. Sports on television every evening is just too much for me. So I find other things to do.

I’m beginning to feel like everything I do is just filling up the long hours I am alone. Life has certainly lost a lot of zest. I don’t expect him to restrict his activities just because I want him to. But I wish he would make some time available for me. If I ask for it, it’s given grudgingly or not at all. Besides I want him to want time with me.

I don’t know how to handle the lack of communication or how to compete with his inordinate interests in sports and physical fitness. It seems we are frequently making an effort to feel close again, but it only lasts briefly because that requires time together, which is always in brief spurts.

My husband is unusually attractive and a good provider. He is well respected in our church and community and is faithful to me. I guess most women would be content with that, but it doesn’t meet some of my deepest needs. I know marriage can be so much more. I feel guilty because I long for a companion who wants to drink from my cup with me once in a while.

We thank this woman for sharing her comments and insights on marriage. She reminds us all that we need a balance in togetherness in marriage. An extreme of either too much, or as in her case, too little, can be harmful to a marriage.