Tom Selleck vs. extra bag of fries

Published July 7, 1983. For some time now I have sensed something different in our marriage. I haven’t been able to pin-point what it was . . . that is until recently. I am a victim of the Selleck Syndrome.

It all began a few weeks ago when I had a dream. In the dream, Tom Selleck was trying to woo my wife, Susan, away from me. He made several attempts, but I finally won out and retained the hand of my fair wife.

I awoke in a deep sweat, wondering if my subconscious was trying to alert me to something. Was I being inattentive to my wife? Was I doing everything possible to retain her love?

Finally I woke Susan up and asked her if there was anything she needed? New clothing? New furniture? A few days vacation? She went back to sleep, but I started thinking.

For years it has been the custom for women to worry as they grow older about their husbands falling in love with younger, more attractive women. Well folks, times have changed. It is now the trend and fashion for women to be attracted to and fall in love with younger men. What’s more, many women are choosing to marry men 10, 15, and even 20 years younger than themselves.

I want to go on record as saying it is all Tom Selleck’s fault. He alone is responsible for creating what I call the Selleck Syndrome.

Perhaps in times past women, even married women, have had an attraction for younger men. But in the past it was not proper to admit it. Now, apparently it is.

The other night I decided to eavesdrop on my wife during “Magnum P.I.” Much to my alarm Susan was not just watching the television program, she was actually absorbing it. Later that evening I got up enough confidence to ask, “Susan, do you find Tom Selleck attractive?” She responded with the rhetorical comment, “Is the Pope a Catholic?” Her response was all too obvious.

The next day I decided it was time to break the routine and do something romantic. I invited Susan out to eat and she accepted. I even offered to buy her an extra bag of fries, but she said we could go with the usual.

We went to one of my favorite restaurants that evening and placed our order. While we were waiting to move up to the drive-in window, I asked Susan if the romance was missing in our marriage? She said there was nothing serious to worry about.

I then asked about her being elected president of the Harlequin Romance Book Club for Utah County. She said she was not actually elected. The title went to the one who purchased the most books during the previous year. She added that she was not only appointed president during 1983, but because of her buying volume, she was vice-president and secretary as well.

I expressed my final concern of the evening as we consumed the last of our vanilla shakes. Was I becoming dull, and did she find younger men more attractive? Tom Selleck Syndrome was then explained, and I commented on the threat it posed to middle-aged men such as myself.

Was there anything I could do to redeem my many months of inattentiveness? My lack of consideration? My unromantic inclinations?

Susan paused and then mentioned that there was this one rather expensive dress down at the mall that she had been admiring. She said it would be nice to wear it to the next Harlequin meeting where she was to report on her five latest favorites.

“That’s fine,” I replied, “Go and get the dress tomorrow.”

She was delighted but also concerned as we left the restaurant. I almost hit the Ronald McDonald statue.

If the romance is missing in your marriage, wives, buy a poster of Tom Selleck and leave a few romance novels lying around some conspicuous part of the house.

You, too, may eventually get some new clothes because of the Selleck Syndrome. What’s more, your hubby may eventually offer to get you an extra bag of fries.