Tolerating the Differences Makes a Difference

Published September 10, 1987. Not everything we say or do in life means much or has significance. It is nice to know, however, that on occasion you have said or done something that makes a difference in someone’s life.

At BYU Education Week a few weeks ago, I was talking to a woman. During our conversation she remarked, “You said something here five years ago that saved my marriage.”

I asked what it was and she replied, “You said a successful marriage is not determined by how much we are originally alike. It is determined by how many differences we can tolerate in each other.”

I remembered making the statement then and several times since. She went on to say she and her husband were on the verge of divorce when they attended the marriage seminar. They had developed or discovered so many differences in each other they didn’t think there was any chance of staying married.

Isn’t it interesting what one little thought can do in people’s lives? Of course it was just that . . . a thought. There are some things in marriage that couples neither can nor should tolerate. But the idea that we must adjust to a number of differences in a marital relationship gives a couple a realistic perspective of contemporary marriage.

Susan and I have had to do our share of adjusting to differences in our marriage. But that should be expected when someone from Utah marries someone form California. My first major shock came a few weeks after our marriage when Susan fixed me my first, and last, avocado sandwich. People from California should realize that most people from Utah have never seen avocados. Fewer still have eaten them . . . on bread.

Not long after that, we decided to have scrambled eggs for breakfast. Much to my alarm, Susan mixed MILK with the scrambled eggs! I assured Susan that no one in Sanpete County had ever mixed milk with scrambled eggs. She simply replied that everyone in San Luis Obispo did, and that ended the discussion.

We have other differences besides those dealing with food. Like what to keep and what to throw away. Not long ago we had a classic showdown when we decided to clean the garage . . . together. We should know better after 22 years of marriage.

The first thing Susan thought should go was my old pair of Army boots. Her reasoning was that I haven’t worn them since 1966 when I attended my last summer camp at Camp Williams. I tried to explain my sentimental attachment to my well-worn boots. She listened intently and still insisted they go. I reasoned that I might be called back into active duty and may need them. Susan sighed and put my boots in the huge “Decide Later” pile.

These are just some of the differences we have to deal with in our marriage. What about yours? Perhaps Gloria Rosenthal of the Wall Street Journal summed it up best when she wrote “Identity Crisis.”

There are two types of people, so say the reports.

One loves opera; the other loves sports;

One loves the mountains; the other, the ocean;

One wants to relax; the other craves motion;

One prefers silence each morning . . . no matter!

The other thrives on a morning of chatter;

And what causes them so much struggle and strife?

They always end up . . . as husband and wife!

Come to think about it, I haven’t seen my old boots lately lying around in the garage. Perhaps the “Decide Later” decision has been made.