Like the Frog and the Scorpion

October 9, 1986. For nearly 20 years now I have been counseling and teaching college courses on marital relationships. Of the 15 or so topics that are important, the one by far that is the most difficult to teach or convey to married couples is “change.” Should couples try to change their marriage, particularly if it is not satisfying? And, if so, how do you go about changing it?

It is absolutely amazing to me how resistant many are to change, even when they know it would be in their own best interests. They will say things like, “You can’t teach old dogs new tricks,” or “You can’t change the spots on a leopard’s back.” And generally these statements are true because someone is trying to change someone else. It is becoming more and more evident that one person cannot change another.

Temporary change can be accomplished by manipulation, force or coercion. But there is a quote which says, “A person convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.” Even though it is difficult, if not impossible, for one person to change another, the vital truth is that people can only change themselves. In fact, when they choose to do so, many individuals have made remarkable changes in their lives.

In counseling sessions people often argue, sometimes rather heatedly, why they can’t change. They will cite reasons such as their childhood, family background or previous painful relationships in life. They give arguments about their birth orders and are convinced that because they are a second or third child, they are authorized to act in a certain way, even if it is to the detriment of the relationship. Some even note that they were born under certain signs and are a Taurus or Gemini and, because of this, act accordingly. They check their horoscope each day in the newspaper to see how they are going to behave. Others have visited palm readers or will relate a certain mystic or religious experience, which implies they are to be or act a certain way.

A few will ascribe their behavior to certain physical or medical impairments, and there may be some validity to these claims. Even so, it is my belief that such individuals must accept responsibility, not so much for the physical impairment, but for their response or reaction to it.

When I feel I am not very convincing in discussions about change, I tell a story. It is about a scorpion and frog.

The scorpion and the frog met on a river bank one day, and both needed to cross the river. The scorpion said, “Let me get on your back, and you can give me a ride over.”

“But if I did,” said the frog, “you would sting me, and I would die.”

“But if I sting you,” the scorpion replied, “I will drown with you.”

After some thought the frog said, “You are right. Get on my back, and I will take you across the river.”

The scorpion got on the frog’s back and, halfway across the river, reached down and stung the frog on the neck. The frog became paralyzed and began to sink. As he did, he looked at the scorpion and asked, “Why did you do this?”

As they both sank lower and lower in the water, the scorpion finally replied, “I had to. It’s just my nature.”

Then they both drowned in the river.

In order to change a marriage, married couples must first believe that change is possible. Otherwise they will just continue in unsatisfying, punitive behavior, which paralyzes the relationship. Eventually, they, too, will emotionally sink and drown.

The amazing thing to me as a marriage counselor is why troubled couples continue to punish and hurt each other when they know change is vital to their own best interest. But perhaps there are reasons.

They think they have to continue to inflict pain. These couples believe they can’t change. It’s just their nature.