Recognize the Trouble May Just Be a Pothole

June 4, 1987. Most of us realize there are times when things do not go so well in marriage. We acknowledge this, in part, in our wedding vows when we agree to marry each other “in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse, from this day forward.” If those words were not stated in our wedding ceremony, at least they were implied.

Marital tension and stress can be experienced in a variety of ways besides lack of money or illness. Conflict can arise over major issues, such as whether or not to take employment in another city. It often occurs over major decisions, such as buying an automobile or buying a new or larger home.

Most of us are aware of the areas of conflict in our marriage that cause us problems.

There are other dimensions of the marital relationship when things do not go so well. I call these marital potholes. Let me explain.

Not long ago Susan and I decided to ride over to American Fork to visit her mother, Alice Day. There are three ways to get from Orem to American Fork. We could take the “old road,” the one that goes through Lindon and Pleasant Grove. Or, we could take Eighth North down to I-15. A third option was to travel the back roads down by Utah Lake.

This particular time we decided on the back roads, which takes more time, but it is a pleasant drive through the countryside.

So we were riding along that evening enjoying the fresh country air and scenery. We were talking to each other and generally enjoying the ride. And apparently I was not paying enough attention to my driving. We hit a large pothole in the road.

As we recovered from the jolt, Susan asked, somewhat in jest, if I wanted her to drive. I replied that I didn’t see the pothole in time to avoid it. In my own defense, I commented that some potholes are unavoidable because they can’t always be detected. She countered that the one I hit was both visible and avoidable. I tried in vain to disagree, and that was about all that was mentioned. The temporary stress in our marriage lasted little more than one minute. Then it was over. Short but real.

The momentary jolt of hitting the pothole caused some discomfort for both of us. The pothole was not particularly large or deep. But they don’t have to be to cause concern. The jar of the pothole was over almost as soon as it began. And we continued on that evening and enjoyed the remainder of the drive.

Sometimes in marriage things seem to go pretty well and then we hit potholes of various kinds. They are the short, often unforeseen, and sometimes unavoidable aspects of life that cause momentary conflict or stress in marriage. These marital potholes are interesting because they can’t always be detected in advance and the origin is often unknown. In addition, we sometimes don’t know why they are upsetting to us. The fact is, they are.