Outsiders Can Disrupt a Marriage

Published July 16, 1987. A few weeks ago I wrote a column about how some single, and even married adults often disrupt a marriage by dating another married person. I received some interesting mail from that column and am now assured that marital disruption is often caused by people outside the marriage. However, it isn’t always someone trying to take away one’s marriage partner.

The letter-writers said problems can be created by other adults even though they mean well.

One man told me how a religious leader caused some major problems in his marriage by giving questionable advice to him and his wife. Even though the leader meant well, the husband said the counsel was ill-founded and has been a major contributing factor to their now anticipated divorce.

Another young wife wrote and said her in-laws are causing problems. She said:

Dear Dr Barlow,

I was quiet intrigued by your recent article “Think carefully. Before You Put Marriage ‘Asunder.’” There is another aspect of this subject that you did not discuss. I am thinking of in-laws or others who interfere in a marriage and contribute to marital problems or even divorce. It is a problem that my husband and I have had.

We were married a few years ago. We decided before we were married to wait a few months before having any children, so we could adjust to one another and also allow me  to adjust to the new location where we were living.

Shortly after our move, my husband lost his job, and we were faced with unemployment. At about that time, my husband’s family became restless that I had not yet become pregnant. They began to bombard me with letters full of hints about my ‘duty’ to become a mother.

We sought other employment, and the pressure by my in-laws to have a baby intensified. When I told them that we were waiting for children until one or both of us found employment, they replied, “Don’t worry about things like that. Just let the Lord provide.” They even talked to my husband alone about starting a family.

My husband eventually found work, and we later had our first child. We are now very happy. But, I still have some resentment about my in-laws interference in our marriage. I can see now that this is a way of life for them. They have had a large family and often advise their adult children on employment, what cars to buy, how to spend their vacations, etc. One of my sisters-in-law tells me the pressure for the next child will start up again in a few months.

I don’t know whether to just ignore the pressures or tell my husband’s parents how I feel. I’d like to see you do a column on this problem. I’m sure that I have much to learn as a daughter-in-law and that I am also far from the ideal daughter-in-law.

Thank you for allowing me to air some of my frustration.

(Signed by the column reader)

Any advice for this young wife and her in-laws?