Marriage Should Be Fulfilling When Nest Is Empty

Published January 14, 1988. In last week’s column we quoted Dr. David Mace, a noted authority on marriage, who says historically, marriage has had one major purpose. That was to bear and nurture children. In fact, Mace stated, “Apart from this there would have been no obligation to develop the institution of marriage.”

No one should or could dispute the idea that one of the major purposes of marriage is to rear children. But in our contemporary society it can no longer be the only major reason to seek a marriage partner and marry.

Half of the nations’ 65 million families, from empty nesters to newlyweds, have no children under the age of 18 at home. That is according to the 1984 Census. Those who are recently married may think their relationship is of little or no significance until they have a child. And what of the approximate 10 percent of today’s adult society who never marry or the estimated 5-10 percent of contemporary married couples who cannot bear children? Are we suggesting that life has no meaning because they have no children?

The Empty Nest Stage of married life is a fairly recent phenomenon. Up until the 1920s or 30s a couple would marry, commence immediately to have children, and then have a relatively large number of them. People were only living to be 60 or 70 years of age at that time. So, the father would usually die within three years after the last child left home. This meant that almost all of the married life of the husband and wife was spent in rearing and nurturing children, as Mace noted.

But today things have changed. Couples are marrying at a later age, delaying child-bearing a few years, and are having significantly fewer children. Add to this the fact that we now live longer – well into our 70s and 80s – and we have developed the Empty Nest Stage. It now accounts for nearly 10 to 20 years of married life after the last child has left home.

Couples today who devote all their energy to bearing and rearing children often have a difficult time with marriage after the children are gone. Many put the marriage on the back burner during the child-rearing years only to find themselves living with a stranger when the last child leaves home.

In addition to rearing children, Dr. M. Scott Peck has suggested another purpose of marriage in contemporary society. In his popular book “The Road Less Traveled,” Peck states that a major purpose of marriage is the growth and enhancement of the individual. He notes “The ultimate goal of life remains the spiritual growth of the individual, the solitary journey to peaks that can be climbed only alone. Significant journeys cannot be accomplished without the nurture provided by a successful marriage or a successful society. Marriage and society exit for the basic purpose of nurturing such individual journeys.”

Peck then concludes, “But, as is the case with all genuine love, ‘sacrifices’ on behalf of the growth of the other result in equal or greater growth of the self. It is the return of the individual to the nurturing marriage or society from the peaks he or she has traveled alone which serves to elevate the marriage or that society to new heights. In this way individual growth and societal growth are interdependent, but it is always inevitably lonely out on the growing edge.”