Marriage Takes Work, Brings Joy

Published January 1, 1985. Several times in this column I have quoted various church and religious leaders on their views about marriage. Recently I have been reading the book “Marriage and Divorce,” by Spencer W. Kimball and would like to convey some of his sentiments on the topic.

The president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is a well-known advocate of harmonious marriage and family life. Recently he said, “We are concerned over the mounting number of divorces not only in society, but in the Church. We are just as concerned with those whose families and marriages seem to be held together in ‘quiet desperation.’”

On a similar note, he has stated, “Many couples permit their marriages to become stale and their love to grow cold like old bread or worn-out jokes or cold gravy. Certainly the foods most vital for love are consideration, kindness, thoughtfulness, concern, expressions of affection, embraces of appreciation, admiration, pride, companionship, confidence, faith, partnership, equality and dependence.”

The church leader also notes, “Marriage is not a legal coverall. Rather, it means sacrifice, sharing, and even a reduction of some personal liberties. It means long, hard economizing. It means children who bring with them financial burdens, service burdens, care and worry burdens; but also it means the deepest and sweetest emotions of all.”

“Some think of happiness,” President Kimball observes, “as a glamorous life of ease, luxury and constant thrills; but true marriage is based on a happiness which is more than that, one which comes from giving, serving, sharing, sacrificing, and selflessness. Happiness does not come by pressing a button, as does the electric light; happiness is a state of mind and comes from within. It must be earned. It cannot be purchased with money; it cannot be taken for nothing.”

Even though a successful marriage requires hard work, the church believes it is attainable for all. “While marriages are difficult,” he notes, “and discordant and frustrated marriages are common, yet real, lasting happiness is possible, and marriage can be more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive. This is within the reach of every couple, every person.

President Kimball then gives a formula for attaining a harmonious marriage. “Marriage depends first and always,” he states, “on the two spouses, who can always make their marriage successful and happy if they are determined, unselfish and righteous.” The formula is:

First, there must be the proper approach toward marriage, which contemplates the selection of a spouse who reaches, as nearly as possible, mature development in all the matters that are of importance to the individuals.

Second, there must be a great unselfishness, forgetting self and directing all of the family life and all pertaining thereunto to the good of the family, subjugating self.

Third, there must be continued courting and expressions of affection, kindness, and consideration to keep love alive and growing.

Fourth, there must be the living of the commandments of the Lord as defined in the gospel of Jesus Christ.

With these ingredients properly mixed and continually kept functioning, it is quiet impossible for misunderstandings to continue or for breaks to occur.”

We are fortunate to have Spencer W. Kimball as one of the great spiritual leaders of our time. Certainly we profit by having him in our midst.