How Common Is Conflict?

Published March 20, 1988.

QUESTION: My husband and I have been married for a few years now and find there are several areas of conflict. We even verbally spar once in a while. Is this common? We both grew up believing that good marriages are conflict-free. Is this true or even possible?

ANSWER: As I was growing up, I remember hearing several older couples saying they had been married 40 or 50 years and never had an argument. It is interesting that I have never heard a couple married less than ten years make that claim.

For newly married couples to believe that their marriage will be free of conflict is, in my opinion, very naïve. It is also a myth to believe that the presence of conflict means it is a bad marriage.

In their book “The Mirages of Marriage,” William J. Lederer and Don D. Jackson have noted, “Many husbands and wives believe politeness, consideration, and benevolence are important in marriage, and not wishing to be rejected, they attempt to practice these arts unremittingly.”

They conclude, “It is obvious, however, that individuals have competing tendencies – different interests, different ways of using time, different biological rhythms, and so on – and they cannot always have the same desires, needs, wishes, or whatever at the same time.”

There are marriages that have little or no conflict, but such marriages are far from the ideal most of us imagine.

A married couple may have little in common and derive most of their satisfaction in life from sources outside the marriage. They see each other so infrequently that they have little time to talk, let alone fight. Other than their children and a few daily routines they find they have little to discuss when they do try. Since they seldom interact, they rarely differ.

In another type of marriage, a husband and wife have worked out a master/slave relationship where one totally dominates and controls the other. One is master, the other is slave. Obviously, a slave rarely disagrees with a master, so there is little conflict until one or the other tires of his role.

Some older couples, as noted, also claim they have never had an argument, much to the amazement of many younger married couples and single adults as well. And perhaps they have matured to the point where they have worked through most, if not all, of their conflicts. During their earlier years of marriage, however, there likely was some or a great deal of conflict which has now either been forgotten or concealed.

Some marriages display little or no conflict, but in private both husband and wife know differently. These are often couples who avoid letting their children know of their differences, and their kids grow up claiming, “I never heard mom and dad have an argument.” This is because the private part of the marriage was never made public.

In their book “Sex and the Significant Americans,” John F. Cuber and Peggy B. Harroff have identified utilitarian and intrinsic marriages. In utilitarian marriages, the couples are uninvolved with each other because they are highly committed to other endeavors. Couples in the intrinsic marriages have each other as their first priority, are highly involved with each other, and deeply committed to their marriage. In comparing and contrasting the two marriage types, the authors observe:

“Men and women in intrinsic marriages experience conflict, too. Some of these pairs actually have had more conflict than typically occurs for couples in utilitarian marriages. Partly it is simple mathematics.”

“There are more numerous points of contact, hence more potential for conflict in intrinsic marriages. Couples in utilitarian marriages often avoid conflict simply because many important matters are considered private and not even exposed to the spouse.”

One of my favorite quotes about conflicts in relationships comes from the Bible. It simply states “It is impossible but that offenses will come:” (Luke 17:1) and then goes on to state a beautiful parable about forgiveness. Perhaps, then, we should not be overwhelmed that conflicts do occur in marriage. The key is what we do with them when they arise.