Postponing a Wedding Can Be a Wise Decision

Published June 7, 1990. During the past few days I have received a series of interesting phone calls from a former student. She took my preparation for marriage class during winter semester 1990. The young coed was engaged at the time, and after the semester ended in April she returned to her home on the East Coast to prepare for her wedding.

Last week she phoned me to share some of her concerns about her forthcoming marriage. Both she and her fiancé were having doubts about the relationship and wanted to know what I suggested. It is not the first time I have been asked that question.

It is not my prerogative to give the details here. Suffice it to say that their doubts were not just fleeting moments of anxiety. They both seriously wondered if they should marry each other. The problem was that the wedding date had been set and announcements had been sent out.

Last-minute jitters are normal. But what does a couple do when there are genuine doubts right up to the time of the wedding? And how does one tell the difference between jitters and real doubt?

I suggest it is rather easy. A wedding ceremony should be perceived as a celebration rather than an execution. If the latter tends to be the dominant thought pattern, perhaps it is best to postpone a wedding. Notice I did not say “call off.” I said “postpone.”

Some young couples I have known over the years have wisely postponed a wedding ceremony, even after the invitations were sent out, so they could work through some concerns that arose. Many of them have chosen to get married at a later date. Others are among the 25 percent of couples in the nation who become formally engaged (with an engagement ring and a public announcement) and then do not get married.

It takes a great degree of maturity to postpone a wedding. I have known many students at the colleges and universities where I have taught who had doubts and concerns about the intended wedding. Some naively went ahead with the wedding ceremony, assuming that things would work out later. They seldom do. In fact, marriage usually intensifies problems that already exist during an engagement. It is best to try and resolve these concerns before marriage and not assume they will automatically go away after marriage.

My former student called me again this morning to tell me they have postponed the wedding until fall or even December. They decided to phone the invited guests and inform them that the wedding has been postponed, and “they are working on some things.” No one needs to know any more than that. I congratulated both her and her fiancé for their courage and fortitude to call off a major social event such as a wedding because things were not working out for them. And I wished them both well.

If this couple and others are not able to eventually resolve their major differences and concerns during their engagement, I believe a “premarital divorce” is better than a post-martial divorce. What do you think?