Marital Myths Miss the Mark, Disillusion Many Newlyweds

Published July 19, 1990. A few weeks ago I wrote about some common myths in today’s marriages. Since then I have found more in two books written especially for newlyweds.

Kathleen and Thomas Hart have written a chapter on myths and expectations in their book “The First Two Years of Marriage.” They note, “Probably most couples expect more of marriage than it can deliver and have to undergo a painful disillusionment. We need our dreams, or we might settle for less than we could have. But in the area of romantic love especially, an unreality can creep into our dreaming, setting us up for acute disappointments. All of us want more intensity and excitement in life and more love. Perhaps if we look at some of the most common unrealistic expectations for marriage and revise them, we will feel better about what we actually have in marriage and see more possibilities in it.

According to Hart and Hart, here are some additional marriage myths.

1. We will do everything together.
2. We will always feel the same way about things.
3. You will always be intensely interested in me and I in you.
4. There will be a lot of sex and warm physical closeness.
5. You will meet all my deeper needs and I yours.
6. The character defects I now see in you will disappear under the influence of my love.
7. The details of our daily living will fall naturally into place.
8. We will probably never fight.
9. We will enter this marriage with pretty much the same expectations.
10. Our marriage will be different from all the bad ones we have seen.

Did you and/or your spouse enter marriage with some of these unrealistic views of contemporary marriage?

In their book “Newlywed: A Survival Guide to the First Years of Marriage,” Pamela Lach and Pamela Piljac also have an interesting section dealing with expectations. They note, “Every marriage is a unique blend of two individuals. You each have certain expectations and ideas of what your life together should be like. Every couple would like to have a marriage that includes the following:

• The ability to show their vulnerable side and still feel comfortable
• The complete love and respect of their partner
• The intimate relationship with a healthy and satisfying sex life
• The ability to accommodate one another without compromising needs
• The chance to create new habits, ideas and traditions together

According to Lach and Piljac, “There are no easy answers or instant solutions that will make your marriage the way that you would like it to be. Your relationship needs time to develop, and it will grow – one day at a time – as you learn more about yourselves and each other. You must learn to examine your own attitudes and priorities about your marriage then find a balance when these expectations conflict with your spouse's.”