Marriage and the ‘Plimsoll Mark’

Published November 8, 1979. Samuel Plimsoll was born in Bristol, England in 1824 and as a youth became interested in commercial shipping. Fascinated with ships, he watched them load and unload their cargo day after day. Young Plimsoll soon made a simple observation about the merchant marine fleet. Regardless of the size and cargo space available in a vessel, each ship had its maximum capacity. And after each ship exceeded his cargo limit, it became susceptible to sinking as it went to sea. Undoubtedly, many did.

In 1868 Plimsoll entered Parliament, and eight years later he was successful in having the “Merchant Shipping Act” passed, which prevented ships from sailing in unsafe conditions.

One provision of Plimsoll’s Act called for making calculations of how much each ship could carry. Marks or lines were then drawn on the hull of each ship, and as the ship was loaded with cargo, it would sink lower and lower into the water. Finally the water level on the side of the ship would reach the mark, showing the ship was loaded to its maximum.

These marks indicating the load-limit became known as “Plimsoll marks” or the “Plimsoll line.”

Plimsoll’s observation holds true for marriages as well as ships: each has its own specific capacity to endure stress and burdens. Some marriages can withstand a great deal of stress. Others seem to go under at the slightest increase.  But whatever a marriage's capacity may be, after that capacity is exceeded we all expose ourselves to the same perils.

The various loads that are placed on both ships and marriages may not always be measured by the ton. They frequently come in smaller quantities measured by pounds. (A friend of mine once described this process as similar to being nibbled to death by ducks).

How then, do you reduce the burden on a stressed marriage? The answer is simply to reduce the load.

There are many stresses that are external to the relationship and often cannot be avoided, such as the death of a parent or close friend, injury or prolonged illness of a family member, loss of employment, business readjustment, change in financial status due to unexpected loss, and so forth.

In addition to these stresses, however, there are those we bring on ourselves or allow to happen. Many of these could be eliminated or reduced with just a little foresight and effort on the part of both husband and wife.

Examples of these avoidable stresses are excessive debt, frequent marital arguments, sexual difficulties in the marriage, frequent changes in residence, unnecessary or elaborate remodeling and decorating of the home, and increase or decrease in church activities, change in eating habits or prolonged dieting, excessive weight gain, or an inordinate amount of time spent with sports or hobbies.

When these two kinds of stresses are added to the marital relationship, their impact is often compounded in that the totality of the burden reduces the coping capability of the married couple. To return to our analogy, the ship simply sinks lower and lower into the water.

Every married couple must establish their own “Plimsoll Line” of what they can and cannot handle. Once that line is determined, we must constantly monitor the load level and remind each other when the limit is being approached. As with ships, when the level is exceeded, action must be taken.

There are at least three things we can do when we find our marriage overloaded. First, we can upload part of the cargo pound by pound (or get rid of the ducks) on a gradual basis, or, depending on the condition of the relationship, we may have to remove large portions immediately.

Second, we can redistribute the load. Sometimes ships and marriages become imbalanced because the load is not properly distributed. On occasion, a husband may have to assume more of the responsibilities his wife has been carrying, while at other times a wife may have to assist an overburdened husband.

Third, a re-evaluation may be necessary by examining the cargo and determining if all this must be carried now? Or would it be best to carry part of the load at another time?

In his book “Future Shock,” Alvin Toffler notes that marriage and family in the past has been a refuge, a “giant shock absorber,” where people could retreat and find protection from the stresses and strains of the day. At the present accelerated pace and rate of change, however, Toffler suggests that contemporary marriages and families can become a “giant shock producer” by trying to simultaneously respond to all life’s demands. Perhaps marriage would be a little more meaningful if we could establish a Plimsoll Line and frequently monitor the load on our marital relationships.