How to remodel your marriage

8/23/1979 Perhaps every married couple at times has desired to change their marriage. Behavior patterns often develop over the years that both husband and wife deem undesirable. Or, it could be that right from the beginning a newly married couple detects something in their marriage they would like to improve delete or change.

Given the fact that most couples acknowledge the need for change why is it so difficult. “Why do we continually procrastinate changing some aspect of our marriage.”

I have been struck by the incredible lack of artistry and creativity in marriage partners. Either person may be imaginative in making money or decorating a house, but when it comes to altering the design for their relationship, it is as if both imaginations had burnt out.

“For years, spouses go to sleep night after night, with their relationship patterned one way, a way that perhaps satisfies neither too close too distant, boring or suffocating and on awakening the next morning they reinvent their relationship in the same way.

There is nothing sacred to the wife about the way she decorated her house as soon as it begins to pall she shuffles things around until the new décor pleases her. But the way she and her husband interact will persist for years unchallenged and unchanged, long after it has ceased to engender delight, zest, or growth.”

On a similar note, Dr. David Mace, Professor Emeritus of Family Sociology, Bowman Gray School of Medicine, in North Carolina, has also encouraged couples to try and improve their marriages. Writing in a recent edition of The Family Coordinator. Dr Mace believes there are three steps necessary to bring about change. Determine the present state of the relationship and why it must be judged unsatisfactory.

Estimate what needs to be hanged to achieve the marital goals, and whether these goals are really desirable and attainable. Find new skills and tools that will bring about the desired state of the relationship. He then elaborates on each step.

Where the Marriage is Now: Almost all married couples individually have a rough idea of how their relationship is functioning. But according to Dr. mace relatively few people in marriage have shared their evaluation or their feelings with their marriage partner in a constructive way. Much of it is usually done only by griping or complaining.

And if people believe that marriage is static unchangeable they may say to themselves or their spouse, “That’s the way marriage is and we can’t do anything about it.” Or they may think or recall ‘whenever we try and change something in our marriage it only brings unpleasantness so let’s leave it where it is Dr. Mace observes that we often tolerate in marriage conditions which we would not tolerate in any other area of our lives.

Couples must learn that most marital conflicts are entirely normal and can be turned into points of growth if handled appropriately. To do their Dr. Mace encourages each marriage partner to complete a very simple task write down (a) three to five things in their marriage that are considered good and beneficial (b) three to five things that could be even better than they are now and (c) three to five specific things that could be done that would make the relationship better for both.

After completing these lists, the couples are encouraged to share their answers with their spouse. This is just one simple way of finding to some degree where the marital relationship now stands.

What is Wanted in the Marriage? “All couples" Dr Mace noted, “who entered marriage willingly began with some hopes and dreams. Occasionally, these are in part unrealistic and based on the illusory promises of fairy tales. But the dreams are not easily abandoned they can be reawakened even in people who have been deeply disappointed.” To improve our marriages therefore necessitates that we revive the dreams and aspirations originally present in most marriages.