Is Your Marriage ‘Compatible’?

Published July 19, 1979. Some of the most interesting responses from the students in my marriage classes come from the question “Under what circumstances, if any, should a husband or wife physically strike each other?”

Most students state, “Under no circumstances,” while others report that, on occasion, it may be justifiable.

Catching one’s spouse in the act of adultery has frequently been mentioned, at the universities where I’ve taught, as a justifiable cause. Another reason frequently given is acting in self-defense if one’s spouse is physically abusive. And still another seemingly rational student in Wisconsin suggested that if his wife went into some state of hysterical screaming or outburst, he might “pop her once or twice.”

I recall very few students over the years who indicated that they would tolerate being physically hit by a spouse. Yet some students report seeing such episodes in their own parents’ marriage.

A few years ago, I was asked to appear as a witness in a divorce hearing in Illinois. Having arrived a little early, I became interested in the case before the court. The judge asked a 30-year-old woman why she wanted a divorce. “Because my husband kicks me,” replied the woman. “Where does he kick you?” the judge asked. “In my stomach,” she answered. “How frequently does this occur?” the judge queried. “Every Saturday night,” she said. “How long has this been going on?” the judge wondered aloud. She paused and then answered quietly, “For about 7 years.”

I was astonished that the woman had been kicked and beaten so frequently, but was even more appalled that she had put up with it for so long.

While the above case may sound bizarre, it occurs frequently in the United States today. Even though the exact statistics are not known, it is evident that thousands of women are regularly beaten, tortured, and sometimes killed by their husbands or boyfriends each year. The incidence of wife-beating is not necessarily on the rise, but due largely to the women’s movement, more women are beginning to protest being beaten and brutalized.

Wife-beating is difficult to detect because women are hesitant to accuse their husbands of such treatment for fear of being beaten again. In addition, law-enforcement officials frequently classify such attacks as “assault and battery” or as “domestic disputes.”

A few geographical areas have kept statistics which are revealing. In Dade County, Florida, for example, the Citizens Dispute Settlement Center handled nearly 1,000 cases in less than a year where wives were beaten by their husbands. And in Montgomery County, Maryland, one of the nation’s most affluent areas, there were 650 reported incidents in one year of assault by husbands.

For many years, wife-beating was categorized as a lower-class crime. Evidently this was never true according to recent findings.

Unless we assume, however, that it is only husbands who beat wives.  Evidence is accumulating that many wives also beat up their husbands.

In fact, Sociologist Suzanne Steinmetz of the University of Delaware suggests, “The most unreported crime is not wife beating—it’s husband-beating in the United States.

In her book “The Cycle of Violence,” Steinmetz estimates that each year at least 250,000 American husbands are severely thrashed by their wives.

Dr. Murray Straus of the University of New Hampshire has even more grim figures. Based on his 1976 national survey on violence, he concludes that about two million husbands and about the same number of wives commit at least one serious attack a year on their mates.

Furthermore, Sociologist Richard Gelles of the University of Rhode Island notes that “Men and women have been equal victims of domestic combat. Fifty percent of the killings are men. Fifty percent are women. That hasn’t changed in the last 50 years.”

Most authorities agree that women are as prone as men to use violence on their mates, and whatever the cause, most battered wives and husbands fight back. But the pathetic finding of recent studies is that perhaps 600,000 husbands and wives, will not retaliate and simply take the beatings methodically given out.

It is evident to many marriage counselors and educators that individuals use a variety of means to act out their hostility and aggression. All too frequently the hostility is unfortunately aimed at a spouse and, as people are becoming increasingly aware, at a child.

Marriage would probably become much more meaningful if such behavior were terminated and more constructive ways were found to convey anger. “Anger,” said Horace, “is momentary madness, so control your passion, or it will control you.”