Forgiveness Is Important in Marital Relationships

Published December 1, 1990. A few years ago I attended a national meeting on marriage and family in Portland, Oregon.  Dr. David Mace, one of the keynote speakers, made some observations about marriage that I have never forgotten.

Dr. Mace stated that (1) marriage creates more “opportunity” for anger than any other relationship, and (2) you will sometimes become angrier at your marriage partner than any other person. Mace has since written a book titled “Love and Anger in Marriage,” where these two observations were reiterated.

The marriage counselor pointed out that the day-to-day nature of marriage puts us in frequent contact with each other, so it is the availability of a marriage partner for disagreement as much as anything that allows for intense feelings to surface. In addition, husbands and wives have many common points of interest and concern, which contributes to a high number of areas for disagreement.

When speaking to married couples, I have often referred to Mace’s book and his observations about anger in marriage. Most husbands and wives do not want to admit that, on occasion, they become angry with each other. When I ask groups of married couples, “Do you ever get angry at your spouse?” they look grim, shake their heads and say, “No,” they never get angry at a husband or wife. No one wants to admit it.

Then I ask, “Do you ever get highly irritated with your marriage partner?” Everyone at that point breaks out laughing and acknowledges that yes, on occasion, they do become highly irritated with each other. Whether we become angry or just highly irritated with a marriage partner is irrelevant. The fact is that in many marriages tempers and emotions sometimes flare.

In every marriage there is constant need for both reconciliation and forgiveness. Perhaps we have underestimated the importance of forgiveness in contemporary marriage. Why should husbands and wives learn to frequently forgive each other?

In his book “Words That Heal,” Douglas Bloch noted what genuine forgiveness does to a person’s mind and temperament. He writes, “A Japanese monk went to visit his venerable teacher to receive some words of inspiration. Before they sat down, the master offered his pupil some tea. As the master poured, the pupil’s cup filled and began to overflow onto the floor. ‘Why are you continuing to pour?’ cried the student. ‘Can’t you see that the tea is spilling all over?’ The teacher replied, ‘Your mind is like that cup. How can I pour in anything new unless you first empty it of its mental contents?’”

Boch concludes, “You, too, are like this cup. To receive the awareness of the Divine, you must strive to empty your mind and your heart of all your worldly thoughts and prejudices. As you begin to empty yourself totally, you will make room for that Higher Power to enter. Like spring waters rushing to replenish an empty lake, feelings of peace, joy, serenity, and love will fill the silence of your being.”

When we forgive a loved one, we empty our cup. In the process we rid ourselves of the hostile feelings that keep us from caring and loving. And when the cup is empty, the spring waters can, as Bloch observed, rush to replenish the empty lake.

Only when we forgive others will we, too, be forgiven of our own shortcomings and inadequacies (Matthew 6:9-15). Elsewhere it has been noted that when we fail to forgive others, we have committed the greater sin.