Passion’s Place in a Happy Marriage

Published May 30, 2014 During the years I have been writing this column I have received many letters from readers. Many simply wish to comment, question, or elaborate on something I have written. The letters received have been very helpful in keeping me informed with what is going on in marriages in this area.

On occasion, however, I receive letters that cause me a great deal of concern. Such was the occasion this past week when I received a letter regarding a column I had written a few weeks ago.

Some of you may remember the article on the importance of touch in relationships today. I commented that human beings have a need to both touch and be touched. And I also made the observation that, while touching, hugging and caressing are common before marriage, many contemporary married people become almost non-tactile after marriage. The only time some married couples touch, I observed, is for routine, somewhat mechanical sexual relationships.

With this background, now consider the following letter I received this past week:

Dear Dr. Barlow,

A few weeks ago you wrote about touch in relationships, and I want to share my experience with you and your readers. We have been married 13 years and have 7 children. My husband recently decided that passion has no place in marriage. He will only allow sexual intimacy twice a month, but no form of touching, petting or passion before. He believes all this is a ‘higher law.’

I feel he is misguided and I am grossly dissatisfied. Is it possible for you to write something about passion, with touching being appropriate and even necessary in contemporary marriage? Thank you.

This marriage may be in trouble or heading in that direction. Not that the couple will necessarily divorce. They may not legally part but it is evident to me that they will separate emotionally if they have not done so already.

The husband in this particular marriage is caught in a trap of his own making. And all this is accordance to what he thinks is a higher law. With his rigid and somewhat sexist approach to intimacy in marriage, he is destroying the very relationship he so naively believes he is elevating to a higher level.

Let me share observations on sexuality from two perspectives. Get your paper and pencil out and write and tell me if the observations are correct.

Observation #1: From a husband’s perspective, any sex in marriage is better than no sex.

Observation #2: From a wife’s perspective, no sex in marriage is better than bad sex.

On occasion, these two philosophies may be present and eventually collide in a given marriage.