What’s Good Marriage?

Published March 26, 1980.

QUESTION: I am getting so tired of hearing about marital disruptions and marriages that do not work. What about those that do? What keeps a marriage together nowadays? What do we know about those who enjoy their marital relationship?

ANSWER: One of my colleagues, Dr. Terrance Olson, recently noted that our attention is frequently drawn to the patch of grass that is brown rather than focusing on the rest of the lawn that is green. Perhaps that is true of marriage and family as well. All too often we look at what does not work rather than study what does.

Because of this trend I was recently interested in a study reported in The Family Coordinator. Two researchers, Paul Amons from the University of Georgia, and Nick Stinnett from the University of Nebraska, wanted to see what happily married couples had in common.

Extension workers in all counties of Oklahoma were asked to recommend couples for the study who appeared to have strong or healthy marriages. After a preliminary screening, 72 couples were eventually chosen. The 72 couples were composed of rural, middle-aged, middle-income individuals. Most had been married between 15 and 25 years, and the number of children varied from 2 to 12. After the couples completed a questionnaire, the following four major trends were noted.

Reciprocity: The majority of the couples expressed high levels of need both to be understood by and to understand their marriage partner. The expression of these needs suggests that the couples frequently reinforced each other’s self-esteem and positive self-concept.

While it is generally acknowledged that most happily married couples try and support each other as needed, rarely has it been demonstrated as in this study, that the individuals also indicate a need to be supported on occasion.

Commitment. The happily married couples were found to be highly committed to their marriage. Creating and developing a fulfilling marriage was one of the dominant life goals of almost all. And during times of stress or crisis the determination and commitment to marriage was found to be a major stabilizing factor. By learning to pull together during difficult times, these couples were found to have a clear vision of what they wanted, which enabled them to realize most of their marital aspirations.

Ego Strengths. The Oklahoma couples were found to have well developed ego strengths. They were able, therefore, to function autonomously or alone if and when the necessity arose. A majority (75 percent) of the individuals expressed a moderate need to make independent judgments and take independent actions apart from their spouse.

Only 2 percent expressed high dependency needs on a spouse, and not one of the respondents reported a need to accept undue blame or admit inferiority in their marriage. Having high ego strengths freed them to work towards solutions to problems leaving their own and their partners basic integrity intact during the process.

Sex. Among these happily married couples in Oklahoma, sex was found to be a central and profoundly important part of their marriage. A majority (85 percent) of the respondents reported moderately high to very high needs for sexual fulfillment. This finding suggests that these couples viewed sex as an important component of their marriage and one means of sustaining the dynamic intimacy they sought and desired. The similar high need for sexual fulfillment was found in both husbands and wives.

Raymond Hull has noted all marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble. Apparently these 72 couples from rural Oklahoma have learned how to make happiness continue long after a marriage commences.