Problems Surface When a Spouse Is ‘Too Busy’

Published September 12, 1980.

QUESTION:  My husband is so involved with his occupation and church work that he is frequently away from home. This has created several problems, one of which is that our children do not see him very much, and I am raising them alone. But the most critical problem concerns me. He is so busy and gone so often that he seldom makes love to me. Sometimes we go for four or five weeks without any kind of physical relationship at all. Is this normal? Could martial problems arise because of this trend?

ANSWER: To reply to your last question first, yes, serious problems could and often do arise in marriage when either or both of the marriage partners do not find sexual fulfillment in their relationship. This is particularly true if the lack of fulfillment occurs over months or years, and resentment builds. With what is known about sexual relationships today, there is no need for married people to experience prolonged sexual frustration if both are willing to learn a few things and have a little patience with each other.

Most married couples, I believe, can solve the vast majority of their marital problems alone, including sexual ones, if both husband and wife are willing to cooperate with each other. On occasion, however, professional counseling or medical help may be sought if sincere effort has been made with little or no results.

As to your first question pertaining to the frequency of sexual relationships in marriage, allow me to make a few observations.

When it comes to making love, it has been noted that Americans seem particularly preoccupied with numbers. In other words, how often is normal? Marriage counselors are frequently asked this question.

Several studies indicate the frequency of sexual relationships not only varies from couple to couple but it also varies with the same couple from time to time. The length of time married, age, health status, resentment, guilt, the inability to communicate, particularly about sexual matters, all are factors. Immediate pressures such as business, emotional, social, family, and financial also seem to be variables which influence the frequency and intensity of physical intimacy in marriage.

Simply put, there is no set “normal frequency” pattern for sexual relationships. Most studies reveal that many married couples have sexual relations somewhere between one and three times a week, so your pattern of once every four or five weeks is statistically atypical.

The most important factor, however, in sexual relationships in marriage  is not so much with quantity but with quality. Frequency is not nearly as important as satisfaction. Trying to bring satisfaction to your partner each time you do encounter lovemaking is far more important than trying to run a bedroom marathon.

Furthermore, while husbands are frequently preoccupied with the game, wives usually focus on the warm ups. To find what brings satisfaction to each other in marriage suggest that a husband and wife must communicate about their sexual fulfillment or lack of it. And when sexual frustration does occur, it should be dealt with quickly before a husband or wife turns into the marital version of the Incredible Hulk.

If your sexual needs are not being met by your husband, you have every right in the world to tell him so. The tendency is for many married women to withhold this information and use it as a weapon in marriage or become the modern marriage martyr.

Once you tell him, let’s assume that he will arrange to stay home more with you and your family. Perhaps he will try and meet your needs a little more rather than give way to the many occupational demands of his job or obligations of his church.

In my humble opinion, any husband too busy to make love is simply too busy.