Sadie Hawkins Approach?

Published March 18, 1982. Since this column is about marriage, most of what has been written has been devoted to married couples or those about to be married. During the past few months, however, I have had several requests to write something about marriage for those who are single. Many of the people who have written are women past the age of 25, and they have repeatedly asked the question, “Should a women initiate the dating relationship with men?”

The reality is that women have been initiating relationships for hundreds of years, and men either have not known it or have not been unaware of it. Men and society are finally acknowledging what women have known for years. Either male or female may initiate, but it takes both to implement a relationship.

I asked one of my friends, Suzanne Lashier, what she thought of women initiating, and she shared some of her thoughts with me. Suzanne believes that too many women wait for something to happen rather than going out and making it happen.

“Why is it,” Suzanne asked, “that people are so shy and back away from a relationship before it even begins? Do single women think that single men will not even be interested in a friendly conversation?” Suzanne believes many give up initiating before they even get started because they are afraid, or they think women should wait for men to take the lead.

In order to initiate relationships, Suzanne suggests that women become involved in several ways. First, a single woman could plan and/or attend group activities where both single men and women are present. At such gatherings there need not be immediate pairing off. The opportunity should exist for men and women to relate to each other where acquaintances become friends.

Suzanne also suggests that a woman initiate relationships with men near her own age. A single 30-year-old woman would have her best chances of developing a relationship with men in their early thirties or slightly older. It is highly unlikely that a male in his mid-twenties would reciprocate her interest.

Single women must also learn that in dating the rewards are usually commensurate with the risks. If one is not willing to risk, there usually will be few or no rewards. And no person, male or female, should hesitate to initiate friendships. Too many single people quickly become romantically or physically involved, marry, and then hope that a friendship will evolve. Usually it does; sometimes it does not.

Folks, times have changed for women but have also changed significantly for men. Most men today do not mind women initiating relationships if done genuinely and discreetly. In fact, men enjoy it.

Suzanne’s final advice to single women on initiating relationships is to take a new look at an old scripture: “Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so unto them” (Matthew 7:12).

And it was right there in the Bible all the time.

If others have comments on this topic, Suzanne and I would like to hear from you.