Marriage Expectations Too High

Published August 5, 1982. A few weeks ago, I wrote two columns about the importance of keeping a marriage alive. In so doing I solicited ideas from readers as to how this might be done. One woman wrote the following:

I think one thing that has been helpful in my marriage is that every once in a while, usually when we are having problems, I remind my husband that there is one thought that keeps me going – one reason why I don’t think I’ll ever give up on marriage. That one thought is that I really think we were meant to be together. I never thought seriously of marrying anyone else even though I dated a lot in my high school and college years.

I always knew that he was the one I wanted to marry. And I read in his journal that he knew, deep down inside that I was the one he really wanted, even though he was engaged to another girl at the time. When things really get difficult, I remind myself that I need him and that he needs me. More than that, I am not sticking it out just for the sake of the children or because I don’t believe in divorce. I’m sticking it out because this is what I really want in life, to be married to him. And I tell him this, which seems to have a positive effect on his attitude and also seems to renew the relationship.

I wonder sometimes, though, if we expect too much excitement in marriage. As Archie Bunker once said to Edith, “Being bored is an important part of bein’ married.” I’m not saying we shouldn’t try to keep marriage interesting and exciting at times, but I really feel that some couples expect too much. Perhaps we need to learn to enjoy the simple things in life and not expect too much excitement. Excessively high expectations in marriage put a lot of pressure on both husbands and wives.”

The column reader then enclose the following excerpt from the book “War Within and Without” by Anne Morrow Lindbergh, p. 254:

Charles is gone again. The three days when he was here were so full and intense it seems they weighed more than the days before or after. And it is difficult to record them. They had that kind of pre-marriage intensity and preciousness that is difficult to capture. With the dull pain of departure – like a threatening thunderstorm over an afternoon – the light is more beautiful on an afternoon like that. The green is more green, the earth more vivid. But this is an unreal light.

These days are not marriage. They are being in love, but not the casual give and take, the wonderful blending of silence and communication, sharing and solitariness, being bored and being stimulated, disputes and agreements, the everyday and the extraordinary, the near and the far – that wonderful blending that makes for the incredible richness, variety, harmoniousness, and toughness of marriage.

Marriage is tough, because it is woven of all these various elements, the weak and the strong. ‘In love-ness’ is fragile, for it is woven only with the gossamer threads of beauty. It seems to me absurd to talk about ‘happy’ and ‘unhappy’ marriages. Real marriages are both at the same time. But if they are real marriages, they always have this incredible richness for which one is eternally joyful and grateful.

It is strange, I can conceive of ‘falling in love’ over and over again. But marriage, this richness of life itself, I cannot conceive of having again – or with anyone else. In this sense marriage seems to me indissoluble.

We thank the woman for her comments and the excerpt. Both are worthy of considerable thought.

Tomorrow night, Friday, Aug 6. Bob Lee has invited me to be his guest once again on KSL Radio at 10:30 p.m. to 12 midnight. We will be discussing “Myths About Marriage.” Give us a call at 531-TALK.