Separate Vacations May Be a Solution – What Do You Think?

Published March 24, 1983. A few days ago I received the following letter that may be of interest to others. It read as follows:

Dear Dr. Barlow:

In regards to your recent column on mothers-in-law, I can relate to many of the things you wrote. My mothers–in-law is a very nice, kind, thoughtful person. She is also easily offended.

Last summer we had our first child, and when she was just three weeks old my husband’s family planned a family get-together for a few days at Flaming Gorge. I told my husband I really didn’t want to go, primarily because of our new baby. I also suggested that he go and have a nice time with his parents. He needed the break from work. Naturally a heated disagreement followed. He said I don’t like to do anything with his family. And the truth is, I am almost to that point. We’ve been married just a short time and seem to be constantly going to his folks for dinner or some other reason. They celebrate everything.

Last night my husband called up and said not to fix dinner. At first I thought it was a great idea. Then he said that his brother was performing in some activity, and he wanted to go see him. We went and afterward stopped off at my mothers for 15 minutes at the most. We then left, and he said he stayed too long. I am lucky when I see my mother at all. We next went to his parents after that and spent nearly one hour. We never seem to spend too much time there.

Another time we were invited to dinner at my in-law's and I told my husband that I didn’t want to get home at midnight. He told me to say when I wanted to go home. After three hours I said I was ready to go, and he got angry. He wouldn’t even speak to me after that in the car.

Last summer I ended up going to the family outing at Flaming Gorge. I was rather uncomfortable with our new child but that didn’t seem to matter. Everyone else, including my husband and his mother, seemed to be satisfied. Now I have a favor to ask of you.

Our daughter will be 1-year-old this coming summer, and I am also pregnant once again. My husband’s family is planning another family outing for several days, and this time I refuse to go. Taking a 1-year-old and being eight months pregnant on a camping trip is not my idea of a vacation--particularly going somewhere I do not wish to go.

Would you please, if possible, write something about this in your column. My husband will not go if I do not go. I won’t go, and he definitely needs to go.

His mother still calls often to see “what we did today” and “are we all right?” She is a very sensitive person, in some ways, and just wants to be close to us. Naturally, I like my space and do not like being crowded into his family. Thank you very much.

What do I say to this young wife? There seem to be several dimensions of the many relationships. Separate vacations, however, may not be a bad idea in some instances. And this may very well be one of them.

So let’s put it to the column readers. Should she go or stay home? And why?

I have already expressed my opinion. Perhaps you will disagree. Maybe she should sit this vacation out and stay home. Separate vacations, on occasion, may do wonders for a marital relationship. And I also agree with the young wife that, on occasion, we all need our own space.

Perhaps she, her husband, and her mother-in-law should consider the words of Kahlil Gibran in his book “The Prophet:”

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts,

And stand together yet not too near together,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.