In Non-Essentials, Always Seek Liberty

Published August 12, 1983. Susan and I do not always see things exactly the same way. Once in a while it is because she gets her contact lenses reversed. But on other occasions, we simply do not agree.

Rather than trying to agree or have the same opinion on every aspect of married life, I have come to believe that a satisfying marriage is a result of how many differences a couple can tolerate or eventually resolve. If this is true, and I sincerely believe it is, couples should learn to identify and resolve differences in their marriage.

In my marriage seminars I asked couples to individually list all the differences they can identify in their relationship. Such differences might include political, philosophical, or religious areas. (Susan, for instance, believes that tithing should be paid each month. I am convinced that December 31^st at midnight is the Lord’s deadline.)

Differences might also include how anniversaries, birthdays or holidays are celebrated. (I have always thought everyone opened family gifts on Christmas Eve. Susan, on the other hand, insists that we should open family gifts and Santa’s presents on Christmas morning.)

Then there may be individual idiosyncrasies. (One of my close friends once confided that he sleeps with his socks on. By contrast, he said his wife’s favorite nightgown is made out of corduroy!) And there may be differences in recreational or hobby interest. Differences might also evolve around eating habits or food preferences. (I had never heard of avocado sandwiches until after I met and married a California girl.)

After couples have made their individual lists of differences. I suggest they compare them and make one composite list. We usually have to pause at this point until things settle down. Then I ask the married couples to consider the following statement by B.H Roberts:

In essentials, let there be unity; in non-essentials, liberty; and in all things, charity.

In the spirit of love, I ask the couples in the seminars to once again review their list and sort them into two categories: essential and non-essential differences.

Do you know what? Nearly 95 percent of the differences most couples have identified usually go in the non-essential category. Non-essential differences are those that make little or no difference to the well-being or stability of the relationship.

Sleeping with your socks on and corduroy nightgowns, however may be essential differences. These include matters which, if unresolved, could damage a marital relationship or eventually lead to a divorce. And most essential differences are far more serious than socks and corduroy pajamas.

If either partner believes a particular difference to be “essential” it should be listed in this category.

To strive for unity in essential differences I teach the 3 C’s of conflict resolution. They are (1) co-existence or learning to live with it; (2) capitulation or giving in and realizing that perhaps the difference was not really that serious after all; and (3) compromise or learning to jointly modify or eliminate a particular difference in the marriage.

If you and your marriage partner do not always see eye to eye on everything, first check to see if you have “I” trouble. After that, accept the fact that disagreements occur and are part of married life.

It is not so much that we have differences in marriage. The task is to determine what are essential and non-essential differences. And then learn to live in unity through co-existence, compromise, capitulation, liberty, and love.