Time to Recommit

Published January 1, 1987. This is the time of year when many of us reexamine our commitments in life. We make resolutions and resolve to do better. Apparently, this is true in many marriages as well.

Not long ago some friends of ours called during the middle of the week and invited us over on Saturday evening. We were not able to go because of a previous commitment, but expressed appreciation for the invitation. They then said the get-together was sort of a celebration. After several months of difficult marriage they had decided to stay married and wanted to celebrate the decision with their friends.

They had been married just a few years, and many of us were aware, as is often the case, that things were not going well for them. They had contemplated divorce more than once. That was why their phone call was such a pleasant surprise. They had explored all the options in a series of long discussions.

This couple realized, as do many, that divorce solves some problems but also creates many others not only for them, but also for children and other loved ones involved. After weighing the pros and cons, they finally decided to stay with their marriage.

Even though Susan and I were not able to join them, we wanted to send them something, a gift of some sort. We finally decided to send something we found several years ago. It is a few lines by an English woman named Jan Struther, now deceased.

Her thoughts are titled “Epithalamium” which is a song or poem in honor of bride and bridegroom. It was the best gift we could think of for the young couple and goes as follows:

The raw materials of love are yours . . .

Fond hearts, and lusty blood, and minds in tune

And so, dear innocents, you think yourselves

Lovers full-blown

Am I, because I own

Chisel, mallet, and stone.

A sculptor? And must he

Who hears a skylark and can hold a pen

A poet be?

If niether’s so, why then

You’re not yet lovers. But in time to come

(If senses grow not dulled nor spirit dumb)

By constant exercise of skill and wit.

By patient toil and judgment exquisite

Of body, mind and heart.

You may, my innocents, fashion

This tenderness, this liking, and this passion

Into a work of art.

We hope they liked it. It has a message for all married couples no matter how long we have been married. Marriage is truly an act which takes time, skill . . . and patience.

Are there others who have seriously contemplated divorce and then decided to stay married?