In Marriage, Everyone Needs Some Time Apart

Published June 11, 1987. A young husband called me the other night at 11 pm., getting me out of bed. He was worried about his marriage. His bride of seven months was going to leave him.

Trying to sound interested at that late hour, I asked if they were going to get divorced. “Oh no,” he replied, “she is just going home a week to visit her mother.”

He was concerned because he thought the time he and his wife spent away from each other would be detrimental to the relationship. Nor could he figure out how his wife could stand to be away from him for seven days. The longer he talked, the more I understood how she could.

I tried to explain to the worried husband that a little time spent away from each other could be a wise investment in their marital relationship. Husbands and wives often need time alone to regenerate and prepare for the challenges ahead.

We show a film at BYU about marriage. It is called “Marriage, What Kind for You?” In the film, and actor husband says to a young engaged couple, “You know, the more things you do together, the happier you will be.” At that point, I stop the projector and ask the students if the statement is correct.

Most say “yes,” and generally, it is true. We become and stay emotionally close to another person by sharing a significant number of activities with them. But the trend is not linear. That is, sharing more activities does not automatically make you proportionally happier.

At some point, the “shared activities” phenomena levels off. And from there on the emotional bonding decreases. In essence, you can get too much of a good thing. We learn time and time again the wisdom of Kahlil Gibran, who wrote in 1923, “The oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”

Participating in Education Week at BYU in August is always a pleasant experience for me, one I look forward to each year. But something very interesting happens the first day or two. Most of the 20,000-plus participants are wives and mothers. And so many of the young women come alone and are away from their husbands and children for the first time. Many of them say they feel guilty because they are having such a good time and enjoy being away.

Sometimes in marriage counseling I suggest to LDS couples that they need a little time away from each other. They appear to need time to regenerate and reflect. I call it a “President Kimball Vacation.” Some question the counsel, so I get the book “Spencer W. Kimball,” written by his son Edward L. and grandson Andrew E. Jr. I read to them the following short but insightful two sentences:

“One summer when Camilla (his wife) wanted to save their extra cash for a new house and Spencer wanted to travel, they simply did not come to agreement. So Spencer loaded the car and took the trip alone and had a good time.”

Apparently, the popular song by singing group Chicago a few years ago was correct . . . Everyone does need a little time away. And BYU Education Week is a good place to get it. Come with your spouse, if you can. If you can’t, come anyway. And relax. The time away could help you be a better husband or wife. I look forward to seeing you there.