In Defense of Marriage. . . From an Author Who Has Been There Twice

Published June 8, 1989. I’ve been reading an interesting book lately titled “In Defense of Marriage,” by Art Carey. Lest you think it is a book written by some Bible-thumper from the Southern states or an arch-conservative running for political office, it is not. The book is written by a man who was previously divorced himself and whose own parents divorced when he was 12. Of this he writes, “When it comes to marriage, I’m no starry-eyed Pollyanna. I realized that marriage is not nirvana, that it’s no panacea, and that it’s not right for everyone.”

So why did Art Carey write “In Defense of Marriage”? He notes, “Not long ago, shortly after I returned from the honeymoon following my second marriage, I was greeted at the office by an older married colleague whom I’ve come to respect for his professional skills and wisdom about life.

“Hey, Artie, I heard you got married.”

“Sure did” I said, beaming

“You really blew it. You had everything going for you. Why did you do it?

“My face fell. I looked at him again to make sure he wasn’t kidding. He wasn’t. Nonplussed, I resorted to paraphrasing Samuel Johnson, stammering out, “It’s a triumph of hope over experience.”

The author documents in his book what he feels is “right” about marriage. Among other things on pages 88-89 he observes:

"First and foremost, the joy of marriage is the joy of not being alone. It is the joy of:

• Companionship and intimacy and having a person and place to come home to.
• Structure and order, comfort and security and stability.
• Having someone to help with the burdens and drudgery of daily life.
• Making a home and creating a family.
• Being a parent and raising children.
• Defining your relationship with respect to others and society at large.
• Loving someone so much that you want to celebrate that love and commitment publicly.
• Taking a risk, making a leap of faith, going all the way.
• Believing in someone and something above and beyond yourself.
• Having a best friend who is also your lover and a lover who is also your best friend.
• Sleeping with someone who warms your heart as well as your bed.
• Making love without awkwardness, self-consciousness, or shame.
•  Developing a private vocabulary and doing some of your best talking without words.
• Having someone real to hold when you wake up sweating during a dark night of the soul.
• Having someone who truly cares, someone who will stand by you when you get sick, or falter, or fail.
• Having someone you believe in, and someone who believe in you, to tell at times that you’re the best, and at other times that you can be much better.
• Outgrowing your adolescent self-absorption and getting on with life.
• Being faithful and honoring a vow. Ennobling yourself through discipline and sacrifice.
• Having a common history and mutual memories and the sense of having traveled together far.
• Being a separate individual and yet also a part of a whole.
• Fighting and making up, going apart, and coming together again.
• Learning to yield and to compromise, to care and to love."

We thank Art Carey for his insights in defense of marriage.