Sometimes You Have to Fail in Order to Succeed

Published October 9, 1987.  Perhaps one of the reasons we do not learn how to succeed in life is because we do not learn how to fail. And the reality is that many of us will sometimes fail far more than we will succeed in our daily endeavors.

Most of my professional career is spent with married couples in marriage enrichment and counseling sessions. I also spend much of my time with single people. Most of them are of college age and are preparing to marry. Not long ago I was talking to one of my male students at BYU. He was in his middle 20s and wanted to get married. He had been in two or three serious relationships that had not led to marriage and he was discouraged.

He said he felt a lot of pressure to marry but was getting tired of the “dating games,” as he called them. He admitted he still went out with young women, but he was apprehensive about getting involved again because he had been through the process two or three times before without success.

As we sat in my office that afternoon I could tell he was losing faith in himself, in young women, and in the whole process of getting married. Finally, he asked my advice. What should he do? Was there hope for him?

First, I told him the process usually works if one keeps at it. I also suggested that not all love relationships lead to marriage. It is my observation that most people usually experience one, two or even three intense love relationships that do not lead to marriage.

He was somewhat comforted that he had not been the only person who had tried at love and lost . . . more than once. At that point I suggested we must learn to fail in order to succeed. He asked what I meant.

I told him about cheetahs and gazelles. It is my understanding that cheetahs, leopard-like animals found in south-western Asia and Africa, run faster than almost all other animals. They reach running speeds of nearly 70 mph. Cheetahs feed on gazelles, which resemble small antelopes. Gazelles also are known for their swift and agile movement.

When cheetahs are hungry they stalk gazelles. Once their intents are detected, the gazelles run. The 70 mph chase begins. I told my young friend that the gazelles outrun or outmaneuver the cheetahs most of the time. In fact, they do so nine times out of ten. But the cheetah only needs to be successful periodically to survive.

The great irony is that the cheetah never knows which time it will be successful. Therefore, it pursues each gazelle as if that particular time he was going to succeed. Each time the chase begins, the cheetah goes full throttle – 70 mph – after each gazelle. And nine times out of 10 the cheetah fails.

Simply succeeding one out of ten times, however, the cheetah survives. And it only does so by full pursuit in all other chases.