Some Thoughts on Having Children

Published July 16, 1981.  Married couples, and particularly newlyweds, face both opportunities and challenges in contemporary marriage. And many of those opportunities and challenges are in the realm of having children. How many? How long between? And, when to begin?

Students in my marriage classes having frequently asked questions regarding these matters at the various universities where I have taught. Here are some of the guidelines I have suggested.

1. Children should be perceived as a source of fulfillment, growth, and expansion of a marriage rather than a means of stagnation and confinement.
2. A married couple will likely find joy in parenthood if they have as many children as they desire and can care for.
3. Many couples use discretion when to have a second, third, or additional children. That same wisdom and discretion can and ought to be utilized in determining when to have the first child.
4. How many children a couple will have, and when, are decisions that only the couple can make, since they are the ones who must ultimately experience the consequences of their decisions.
5. Almost every married couple will confront the situation of controlling conception. And most couples, by one means or another, will choose to control conception during some part of their marriage. Otherwise, each couple would have nearly 20 children. The inability or unwillingness to decide about controlling conception is, in essence, a decision to have a child.
6. If a couple decides it is unwise to have a child immediately, the choice or method is one that each couple should decide in consultation with their religious beliefs. All methods vary in reliability, and each has its own advantages and disadvantages. Abstinence, of course, is a form of controlling conception. Like any other method, it has side effects, some of which are harmful to the marriage relationship. Also, I personally believe abortion is not an acceptable means of controlling conception.
7. Since the woman has the greater responsibility not only of bearing the children, but also in caring for and rearing them during their childhood, her physical and emotional health should be of major consideration in making decisions about having children.
8. Decisions regarding how many children, the spacing, and when to commence, will vary from couple to couple. What may be appropriate for one couple may be inappropriate for another. We should, therefore, be nonjudgmental towards each other’s decisions.
9. There is more to having children than physically bearing them. Parents are to provide for the physical, emotional, and social well-being of their children and also teach them appropriate moral values. Having children and failing to provide these things could have serious implications for both parents and child.
10. Sexuality in marriage has several functions, two of which are reproduction and enhancing relationships. When conception is not desired or no longer possible, it does not mean that the sexual relationships will cease.
11. Married couples ought to examine their motives for having children. We should have children not just because of social or peer pressure, but because we genuinely want them. Guilt is a questionable incentive for having children.

If others have comments on this topic, I’d like to hear form you.